A Quiet Vacation

It is about 4:00 AM here in California and I woke up a short while ago.  It's not as early as it seems since I went to sleep last night about 8:30 PM.  It is nice at this time of the day - quiet, still, dark, and beautiful.  Dawn is still an hour or so away and I may lay back down here and read for a while.  I am entering the third day of my vacation and so far it has been nice and relaxed. Yesterday was an easy day.

I went out and saw the new Zach Braff and Kate Hudson movie "Wish I Was Here".  It was a very good. It was definitely a showplace for Kate Hudson, whose performance is the emotional core of the film.  The other cast members turned in excellent performances as well. I would recommend it if you are searching for a solid little movie.

Other than that, it has been a quiet and introspective time off, which is exactly what I was in the mood for. I miss going to Comic Con, but that is okay - this is the vacation I needed. I can always make Comic Con next year. It has been so nice to just coast through the days, doing only those things that arise naturally.

A Quiet and Introspective Day

It honestly doesn't feel like 10 days since my last post. I was pretty sure I had posted something earlier this week, but it appears that I didn't post it this week - it was last week. Work has been pretty intense, but the project that I was working on has gone live, officially, on Friday, so I am looking forward to getting a little bit of my life back.

I was pretty quiet and introspective today. I was being careful of the words I used and the things I said, trying my best not to let any negativity creep in, trying to be in the moment and savor each one as best I could. It led to my being quiet, as I carefully considered each thing I said.  All in all though, it was a good day - nice and productive.  I managed to get through a bunch of small errands and a stack of email that I had sitting in the living room.  That was a good feeling.

TR is traveling for work for the next couple of days, so our contact has been sporadic (her work, in terms of time, is more demanding than mine when she is on the job). I am missing her a bit, but happy that she is at the work she does best. I am looking forward to her return.

As I went softly and slowly through the day today I watched an excellent movie off the DVR - The Hunter, with Willen Dafoe.  Beautiful, poignant, and a perfect example of what a good little movie can be - simple but not simplistic, a pure piece of story telling.  I was personally very impressed with the movie and enjoyed it a lot.

A Need For A Magnificent Obsession

One of the things I've learned about life is that life is always an unexpected journey. We never know the direction we're going to end up traveling in. It is guaranteed to be a surprise. Sometimes it turns out to be a lucky surprise and sometimes it doesn't. I think the ability to embrace whichever turn of fortune rushes towards you is a gift. I think that as long as you look at it that way you will make the best of the circumstances whenever they happened to be. Lately my life seems to be comprised of twists and turns. Not only my life but the life of the people around me. Maybe it's just a heightened sensitivity on my part or maybe we have entered into a season of twists and turns. I kind of like that idea. After all, life is the ultimate force of nature.

As I mentioned earlier it was a crazy, busy, week at work. I worked way too many hours in way too short a period of time. Today, which was my day off, was rewarding. First I slept in a bit, then I met Tony for breakfast over at Goodies II. After that I ran a couple of errands, including a rather fruitless search for a special type of VGA cable. Then I met my friend Marjorie, from Southern California, for lunch over at Hobbies. I only get to see her every couple of years when our paths cross either here in Northern California or down south. So was very nice. 

From there, I stopped at computer central, and then Best Buy, all in a fruitless search for that VGA cable. There is a design flaw in my Sony laptop. It has to monitor ports, a VGA port, and an HDMI port. Unfortunately, they are side-by-side, and separated only by about a quarter of an inch. Take a look at your VGA cable and notice just how wide the connector is. Do you notice the little screws that secure it to the VGA port? Do you notice the little flange at the edge of the connector? Well, that little flange is enough to prevent you from plugging in two monitors. Now, I've seen VGA cables without that flange. I think they're one point I actually had one. It might still be around here somewhere. But, from this moment in time, it looks again going to have to do surgery on a VGA cable so I can hook up both monitors to the Sony VAIO. Well, I guess it's nothing my Dremel tool can't fix.

I don't really have any special plans for the weekend, other than the routine stuff, I think I'm going to try to take it easy through the weekend. I need some quiet time. I need some time to listen to the silence. I need some time to be alone with my thoughts. It always kind of amazes me how difficult it is in the modern age. We run, constantly, and we never stop. Even when we think we’re stopped, we’re not, we’re running. It's like we are the servants of the mad master and we don't even know it. Well I'm going to try and shake that master for a bit this weekend.

About four years ago I was in a strange place. At the time I characterized it as seeking a magnificent obsession. That is about as close as I can come to explaining it. I think I'm slipping back into that time and space. I think that's part of the journey of life that, periodically, it takes us back over familiar territory. It takes us back to those places where we still have a lesson to learn. I am not sure what that lesson is, I didn't know then, and I don't know now. All I know is that inside me there is a need for a magnificent obsession.

Oh, and speaking of Magnificent Obsession - I happened to turn on the TV tonight and stumbled upon Casino Royale, the old one, with Woody Allen, Peter Sellers, David Niven - and the very beautiful Ursula Andress. This is a picture of her from the first movie I ever saw her in "She" as "She Who Must Be Obeyed".

Introspection in August

I was thinking about writer's block today. You may have noticed that I haven't complained or commented about it in quite a while. Basically, I think I am over my extended period of writers block in general. I have returned to my old levels of productivity both here and professionally. Once again I write with a certain ease, with a certain flow, that feels comfortable and natural.

But I was thinking today that I haven't really had any extended periods of creative writing. Oh, bits and pieces fall out here and there, but I really haven't sat and written anything of length or complexity in a while. In the aftermath of my surgery almost two years ago now I went into a very reflective place. I am still more inclined to observe, to simply observe, then I am to write about those observations, or to pass through through that alchemical process that results in fiction or poetry.

I had a bit of insight today on that subject that I thought I would share here. Part of this reflective process has been a good deal of introspection. But it hasn't been structured or disciplined introspection. T.R. has this habit - periodically she will take a day and simply sit and do a self-assessment. An open eyed period of gazing at herself to try and understand the person she is, the person she has become. I don't do that. I don't take that length of time. My periods of introspection seem to be short in duration and incidental in occurrence.

It is as if I am moving down a path of introspection while, at some level, resisting the movement down that path. If introspection were a pool, I am compelled to slip into the waters of the pool, I am compelled to dive deeply into them, but then, when I find myself there, I turn and swim to the surface. As I pass through the month of August, where I am making those decisions to slow the month down, one of the things that I am going to try is to take some windows of time to simply, deeply, focus on the introspective journey. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Daily Life: A Whirlwind of Thoughts Today

I am having whirlwind thoughts today. My imagination is spinning around a very wide variety of subjects, moving rapidly from one to the next. I slept with the windows open so the cool night air could replace the hotter air from the weekend in the apartment. Consequently I awoke as the dawns light crept into the room. It's always a very pleasant way to wake up.

I woke up in a very good mood and that mood is moving with me through the day today. Little things have popped up that conspire together to pull me off center, but I have so far refused to fall into the temptation of letting incidents and accidents pull me from my core.

With my whirling imagination I have thought about a wide variety of subjects today. I've pulled them up in my mind's eye, looked at them, turned them around, twisted them this way and that, before setting most of them aside.

I did have one thought that I wanted to explore a little more. At one point this morning the thought occurred to me that we never really know another person until we know them in their stillness.

Maybe it is a desire inside of me for stillness, maybe it is a reflection of what I need, or perhaps a glimpse into where I think my core resides. I am not really sure, but I am going to be turning the thought around today and see if it becomes something more coherent. If it does, I will share it here. If it doesn't, then I will let it slip away back to the universe from which it came.

Introspective Sunday Morning

I never quite know what starts a particular day in particular mood, but today I woke up and found myself quiet and introspective.  I am not introspective about any one particular thing today - it is more of just a general sense of quietude and self-examination.

I am working on my Mac laptop this morning.  (As a curious note of self-examination, I wonder why I chose the word "working" to describe what I have been doing this morning?)  I had a scanner running on my other laptop - STOPZilla - a spyware, adware killer program.  My friend Tony recommended it.  I have been having problems with the other laptop - something is funky either with the network connectors or with the laptop itself.  

Tony was telling me yesterday, in among the other conversations we were having, that STOPZilla had done a very good job in cleaning his computer up and improving the performance.  It does a very deep scan that takes a couple of hours.  I had kicked it off last night when I went to bed, but at some point in the night my nephew must have shut the computer down - so I have no idea if the scan completed successfully and cleaned the computer.  Since I am not really doing anything this morning, I have the scan running again.

I am sitting here right now, drinking coffee, trying to decide if I am going to do anything today.  I feel like getting out and wandering, so that is a good possibility a little later in the day.  I have to do a load of laundry at some point today, but it is not an urgent task in any way.  There is a certain zen cool that comes with doing the laundry and I think that is a good space to be in today.  (Following immediately on that thought, I thought it would be a good way to spent the morning - doing laundry and then stopping at the Sushi Boat in Westgate for lunch.)

My mind seems to be doing a sort of stream of consciousness thing this morning, so I might try and stay in that zone and just flow with the day.  It seems to be a good day for flowing.

Not Holding

Another day ends and I am sadder and wiser. I am happier and I am more of fool. Sometimes, that is how life works. Let me tell you a little about the day.

It started well. I woke up, I padded around the house a little, then I decided to go back to sleep. I slept, curled in my warm bed, until the golden sunlight of a California dawn flooded the room and pulled me from my sleep. I came on line and chatted in my favorite room, with the strangers and friends who reside there. Some of them are strangers, some of them are friends, some of them are friendly strangers, some of them are strange friends. Some of them I consider very close to my heart, others are just people I barely know.

I met my friend Tyrone at the Hickory Pit for breakfast. I had a nice country omelet, with ground sausage and green onions and cheese. I washed it down with coffee and conversation. I came home for a while and send a few email and the circled back out to pick up groceries.

I watched the UCLA and Cal State game (Cal State won - whoo hooo!). I cooked baked cream cheese chicken, garlic and parmesan potatoes, and sweet peas. It turned out excellent - the chicken was perfect, breaded in crackers, lemon pepper, garlic powder, and parsley. The chicken was succulent and juicy.

I watched "The School of Rock" with Jack Black, an excellent little movie, one of Jack's best. I sent a few texts and email. Then, as I was sitting there watching the finale of "The School of Rock", I took an inside pitch that fanned me back from the plate hard. Yes, that is a metaphor in code, and I may, at some point, share with you what it was - but for now, it is too close to my heart, so I will keep it inside of me where is it safe.

So, I sought comfort where I can often find it, walking empty streets in the company of the twilight gods who have been through so much with me. I walked out, down along Williams Road to Starbird Park, through the park and down the street to Payne, and then back in a big circle. The circle brought me along the front of Maple Leaf Plaza, past Yaz. Through the big plate glass windows I watched the diners as I walked by, surrounded by white table clothes and white china and crystal glassware, then I walked a few blocks and turned toward home.

I went down on the quiet streets. I passed the Vampire Guy's House (there is no vampire there, it is a giant old Victorian mansion, walled off, a remnant of the days when Santa Clara Valley was ranches and orchards - we call it the Vampire Guy's House because it resembles the house where a vampire lives in the game Oblivion, which is popular with my friends.) I walked through the dark portion of the street, where it curves and puts me on the street where I live.

While I walked, I thought of the years and the miles that had brought me here. I wandered down the webs of life, with all the branches and intersections that glisten palely in the moonlight. I thought about holding on and I thought about letting go. There is point where holding becomes grasping. I have in this life learned to hold to that point...and then to open your arms and let go.

Years ago, when I was in some dark times, when I was struggling, I had written a sign on a white piece of paper and taped it to the back of my living room door, so that I would see it every time I left. It said, simply - "Do not be less then you are." It was an admonishment to myself. It hung there for a long time before it was no longer needed.

It seems to be a lesson that I learn and relearn in this life - perhaps it is the core lesson of this life for me. I have often been characterized and characterized myself as a rock things and people crash into. I am - simply who I am. I have been down the path of compromise. I have tried it. It doesn't work for me. I am not good at compromising. I will hold but I will not grasp. I will hold until the time is right to not hold. Then I will not hold.

So, as another day ends, I am not holding. You know the curious thing about not holding? When you are holding your arms are closed. When you are not holding, your arms are open. So here I am not holding, with open arms. The night is cooling. There is a soft breeze spinning through the apartment. In the dark of another night I find that once again, I am who I am.

Uncompromising.

Open.

Human.

A paradox, even to myself.