Working through The Wall

In two separate incidents in the last couple of weeks I’ve hit what I have started to call “The Wall”. I’ve been through a lot of stress in the last couple of years, from “The Project That Almost Broke Me” to the health issues that led to the amputation of my toe. Anyway you cut it, that is a lot of stress, layered on top of all the other incidental stressors of life in the modern age.  Now that I am through the worst of both of the above the stress that I had so tightly clamped down is starting to find its way out.

I never totally repress my stress.  That is very counterproductive.  But, sometimes I simply set it aside, focus on the things at hand, and then deal with the stress at a later point.  Well, I’ve reached that later point.  Last week I called my companies EAP (employee assistance program) and spent some time on  the phone with one of their phone screeners and then subsequently set up a follow up session(s) with a therapist, starting this Thursday.

The two pronged trigger event was what I’ve taken to calling “the wall”, since the experience of it is very similar to hitting a wall.  Other similar events have occurred since I’ve been under such stress levels, but these two occurred in rather close proximity, and all things considered, I figured this was a good time to visit a counselor.  Basically, what happens is this.

A couple of weeks ago I was socializing with some friends and as the conversation turned passionate I suddenly realized – I simply didn’t care. At a deeply profound level I simply didn’t care. I wasn’t interested.  I wasn’t engaged.  I was simply done. I excused myself, got up, and went home.  It was a rather abrupt departure. 

Then, about a week ago I was at work and I got a call from the company health plan, which has a “condition care” program for people with long term medical conditions, to help you manage them. I’d consented to participate in the program, which basically comprises of a nurse calling you every six or seven weeks and checking on how things are going.  It’s fairly unobtrusive and helps keep you focused on managing your long term health condition.

Well, we played a bit of phone tag last week and then I finally managed to get through.  I spoke to a person on the help desk, we routed my call to a care nurse (or so I expected).  Instead, the call was routed to someone who tried to get me to participate in some other program provided by the health insurance that was a little more comprehensive.  And suddenly…I didn’t care. I told them to take my name off any list because I was done.  I thought the call was deceptive marketing and I was no longer interested in participating.

Inside of me though, I had slammed right into “The Wall”.  When I hit the wall I am incapable of rationally moving forward. I am just finished.  I am through.  I am no longer interested. I profoundly don’t care. I am not mad.  I am not losing my temper. I just…don’t…care.  Once I hit the wall – I don’t care about anything. I am just done. It usually fades after a couple of hours and I can resume my normal activities.

Though it is a “larger than work” challenge, it primarily manifests itself at work. During those times when I am up against the wall, at work, I am simply and completely disengaged.  When I hit the wall at work I basically stop doing anything productive and simply – get through the day so I can go home.  I literally have to struggle to answer work related email.  I will literally sit there and stare at the phone while it rings and have an internal debate on whether or not I should answer the phone.  I’ll sit at my desk and look at some project and just…stare at it.

I can do other things.  I can do other non-work related things.  I can even do a few peripherally work related things, like read material, or attend a meeting, that sort of thing.  But if it requires any significant level of engagement, I just can’t do it.   The feeling (or more accurately the lack of feeling) always eventually fades, but while in the grips of it I am essentially paralyzed and completely disengaged. I am going through the motions of work, not actually working.