Work Venting

Well, I am back to work a week and I'm very aware of how work effects my mood. I am actually really tempted to blame it on the lack of natural light.  I go into the office and it seems that inevitably two things happen.

First, I find motivation to be very hard.  I just can't get going.  I struggle and stumble and fight to be productive.  On a rare day I make headway, but most of the time each day is a struggle.  For whatever reason the weight of my office environment seems to be so oppressive it is smothering me. I am sitting here in my living room and instantly contrasting it to this space - which is bright, open, spacious, colorful. We are scheduled to move out of our current office area at the end of September. I hope we move into a space where we have access to a lot of natural light.  If we fail to get natural light, then it would be nice to land in a space that is at least new and bright.

Second, I struggle daily it seems to get my arms around what the actual expectations are of my position.  A large part of this struggle I lay at the feet of my incompetent upper management. Since my director is so engaged in micromanaging every aspect, we lose the incentive to seek self motivation.  Since we cannot make decisions, we are compelled into a passive mode where we wait for decisions to be made.

This huge level of uncertainty, of not knowing what is expected of me, either in subject matter or in substance, makes each day difficult.  One of the examples I was giving my boss during my one of one is - I get pressured to become an expert in something, only it seems that no sooner do I start to develop that expertise, then I am switched over to something else.  I don't seem to work on any one thing long enough to develop that level of expertise.  In my manager wants me to develop expertise in certain areas, then she has to give those areas to me and allow me the opportunity to become an expert in them.

Then, you can add into the layers of complexity there the fact that though I am willing to work hard, and I am willing to go the extra mile, I am not willing to allow the company to redefine the mile.  Several times it has been intimated that I need to work more hours - yet that is a zero sum game.  I increase my productivity by working more hours and get nothing in return. It's a loosing proposition.  So, I am willing to go the extra mile and work extra hours when needed, but I really am not willing to work the extra hours as a constant thing.

I know that, in general, the universe is not a personal thing - but I swear, sometimes it seems like my director was sent to be a vexation upon me.  It gets even more complex in that, though I have no problems fighting with management and struggling for what is right, my poor manager is caught ind between me and my incompetent director. 

We're still going through a big re-organization at work and so far it has all been hush-hush.  The higher levels of management (Vice Presidents) have been set, but the lower levels (who the various directors and managers report to) have not yet been set of announced.  I have my fingers crossed that we're going to get some sort of relief from the incompetent director during that whole process. (We've also got the dark horse of the corporate Game of Thrones running out there.)  I am honestly not sure how much longer I can put up with it.

Well, obviously, I've been back one week and I needed to get a work vent out - that is not a good sign.  On the plus side though, it does feel good to get that vent out there.  Thank you for being the people who saw that vent.