Adventures of a Human Being

Quite frankly, today I am exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed, mainly in the working world.  Back in the late January and early February time frame we had two senior level project managers quit on short notice (both because of the exhausting and frustrating work load).  As a result of that my organization absorbed their work load with the promise of additional resources to replace the lost people.  Well, fast forward to the end of April and there are still no replacement personnel yet.  So, essentially two of us absorbed the work of two other people with no reduction in our already existing workloads.

Then, when you layer into it that, as an overall organization (the project teams, technical teams, and customer teams) we seem to be stuck in permanent fire-fighting mode, it's just exhausting.  You can hear the exhaustion and frustration in people's voices on teleconferences and you can see it in the tone of a variety of communications. 

Now, I've been through times like this before and I know that the trick to getting through them is to just keep your head down and keep swimming.  But, lately it has been difficult swimming. I need to roll over on my back and float for a while. I've got a couple of days of vacation coming up around the 10th, so that should provide some relief. But today, it's exhaustion and frustration.  I'm going to meet with my manager a bit later in the day and vent.  I know she's trying to get those extra resources (she's as exhausted and frustrated as everyone else is) but I guess I just need to vent.

So, let me pivot away from the work environment.  (It's always amusing to me how just writing down your frustrations. Those three paragraphs have helped release some of the stress, just that small period of time floating on my back.)

I've really got nothing to complain about in my personal life.  It has been going well enough. The heavy workload has squeezed some of my personal life out, but I am still getting some good personal enjoyment time - some good reading, some good movies, some good conversations and socialization. I'm even getting ample time to write. So, in that aspect, my personal life as a human being is going pretty good, it's just the work frustration that has a pretty firm grip on me.

Today is Friday however, so I have the weekend ahead of me and I am looking forward to that.  I am going to drive up to Fremont on Saturday and have lunch with my friend Ty, who I haven't seen in a couple of months.  I am looking forward to that.  I also want to spend some time minimizing (i.e. throwing crap away) in my apartment.  Strange, but there always seems to be "more stuff". It's like I have a teleporter in the closet that mysteriously makes stuff appear.

Need Blood Flow To Brain

I had a pretty productive morning and then I slammed into the wall here at work.  I am torn right now between the need to refocus and the need to just give up and take a nap!  I thought I would pivot over here and write for a bit hoping it increases the blood flow to my brain. 

I think it's wrapped in the nature of what I do that it's equal parts rewarding and frustrating.  When the frustrating part starts to win that is when I slip into a fugue state where I am working, but I don't feel like I am making any progress.  It feels like I'm moving but not going anywhere.  That is the spot I find myself in right now, so I am hoping thinking about something other than work will kick-start the brain and let me steal a productive afternoon back.

I just noticed that it has been almost a week since I've written out here so I thought I would play a little bit of catch-up.  I had a good weekend all in all.  I only did a little bit of work on Friday morning, mostly watching email, before I slipped into the three day weekend.

Three high points pop out at me as I'm sitting here and looking backward.  I spent about two and a half hours on the phone with my friend James in Oregon on Saturday night.  That was a good conversation and long overdue. We talked about dang near everything, LOL, but mostly around our shared love of fantasy and science fiction in all it's various pop culture forms.

Earlier on Saturday I went out and saw "The Lost City of Z".  That was an excellent movie.  It was fairly long, but you didn't really know it.  It starred Charlie Hunnam and Robert Pattison and it's based on the true story of based on the life and disappearance of the English explorer Percy Fawcett.  He was exploring the Amazon and attempting to find a lost city.  He didn't - or if he did he died before he could come back and report it.  I had read the book and enjoyed it, so I was primed for the movie when it came out and the film definitely lived up to my expectations.

Then, on Sunday, I saw "Split", the James McAvoy and M. Night Shyamalan film.  I got to say, definitely a recommended movie.  A worthy addition to both men's filmography.  I won't tell you too much about the film because I think with Shyamalan's films you have to see them to appreciate them or understand them and all the discussions about them often set your expectations off.  However, in this one, he delivers and I absolutely loved the ending scenes!  I am all in for the sequel.

Monday and Tuesday it was a pair of very full days.  I worked and, well, work was work.  Then in the evenings I went over to my friend Bob's house.  On Monday I was there awaiting the delivery of a power chair I had ordered for him - which didn't show up, so he and I sat around and watched a pair of older movies.  The chair finally arrived on Tuesday, so I popped back over to help him set it up, but they had already managed to get it squared away by the time I got there.  I am told that assembly was pretty straight-forward.  So, I spent most of the evening visiting with him anyway, then headed home.

Tonight, I am planning on no going anywhere.  I am due for a quiet night at home and that is the plan for the night.  Well, this helped and I feel like I've got the blood flowing back through my brain, so I am going to take a short walk and then pivot back to the work computer and dive into the 50+ email I've got waiting for me there.  Wish me luck!

Some Forward Movement

I'm almost finished with figuring out and documenting one of the critical path processes on a project at work so I thought I'd take a breather and write an entry here. It doesn't pull me out of the woods, but it is a good step forward.  I am focused on trying to get out of the woods this week - and if not out of the woods then at least to a place where I can see the end of the woods. All in all the day hasn't been the most productive, but it has been productive enough that I really don't have anything to complain about.

Other than that, it has been a very nice day here.  The weather is warm, but only into the low eighties, so I have no space to complain there.  The air conditioner is doing a great job of keeping the living room nice and cool and the bedroom is only slightly muggy.  The new fan I've got does a great job of keeping the air circulating, so good in fact that I might scrap my old fan and get a new one of the type.

Tom made a run to pick up lunch, so that was nice, though I may question his choice of places to go. (Tom is my adult nephew who lives with me due to medical issues.)

It is a little later in the day then I thought it was, so I'm going to pivot back over and finish up the item I am working on in a few minutes and then, once that is finished and sent off, I am going to call it an end to the working day.  I also made some progress in cleaning and minimizing the living room this morning, while on teleconferences.

I was used to living alone for a long time, which is really nice since the only messes are your own.  Since Tom moved in it's been a bit of a struggle to find a new happy medium.  Adding people to any living space isn't simple addition, it is more along the lines of multiplication, at least when it comes to the incidental things that get left laying about and new to be picked up or put away if you're trying to keep a clean flat surface run in place.

A Little Too Work Busy

Work has been very busy and when it gets like that it causes me to shave the edges off my personal life.  I don't always like that, but I do the benefits that come from work (income, etc.).  I can't complain in that arena, so I work.

It has been hot here this week, so in the evenings I've been binge watching Penny Dreadful and am now officially caught up with this season.

Other than that, life is moving smoothly and easily.

Most Likely An Early Night

Today passed quickly, but not necessarily productively.  I spent several hours this morning with the trailing edge of our outage from yesterday - service was restored about 8:00 AM. From there, I spent the next hour or so responding to email related to the outage.  Time passed quickly, but it wasn't particularly productive.  A meeting, lunch, a few more hours of email catch up and the day was over.

I came home and met Tony for dinner (a simple grilled cheese sandwich for me), and then circles home where I am settling in for an easy night.  No working for me, the plan is to just relax, write, read and watch something off the DVR.  Then, most likely, an early night.

Chaos, Ascending

So, there we are at work, lined up for a go live in about two weeks on a fairly major project.  The check boxes are being checked off, the final pieces of the puzzle are being moved into place - and - as I expected, at the last possible minute there is a hard curve ball flying in from the pitchers mound.  In order to coordinate with another group who has a project hitting the same technical space our management decides to advance the project a week. Suddenly, the available time to get everything lined up disappears.  We have just a little under a week to get all the pieces into place.  Fortunately, it is possible.  Difficult, but possible. The plane, on final approach, starts to shake from turbulence and there is a strong and unexpected crosswind...and I, I...

Feel exuberant.  I saw it coming.  Not this particular bit of madness but something of this nature so I held a bit in reserve.  I made sure that our top speed was being measured with my hand on the reins so that when this pony needed that extra bit of get up and go, it was there. I let go of the reins and barring an unforeseen accident we will cross the finish line with all things in good order.  Still, I do get tired of the madness and the stress associated with the sudden change has made folks, well, a bit testy.

Our functional project manager, who is otherwise doing a good job, is bouncing off the walls due to his own stress levels.  This is his first major project for the Evil Corporation so I am sure he wants to do well and that has got him spinning in all kinds of circles.  Our trusty project engineer, whom I had my own clashes with earlier in this project, is feeling pinned against the wall. The functional project manager had the same conversation I had with him - about who is in charge. That there simply just reflects the eternal battle against bureaucracy.  He is a good guy, he is just a little too deep into the bureaucracy.

The next seven days or so are going to be highly chaotic as we try to slide across the finish line. I am going to try and stay tight, stay focused, and keep a good sense of humor. It is always a bit of a struggle, since the stress will be flowing freely in all directions.  Fortunately, I am confident that we are ready to go, even if we are going into Chaos, Ascending.

Simply Avoid Writing About Work

I am still trapped in this place where I am spending too much time writing about work.  I am trying to break out of the habit, but I seem to be struggling with it.  I think it is because, at the end of the day, writing about work is easy and superficial.  It effectively prevents me from writing about the deeper things that are happening in my life.  I think I am going to have to meditate on that for a while.  And, perhaps, simply avoid writing about work.

I Try To Be Present

I made the decision this morning to try and be present, as authentically present, as I could, given that I anticipated a chaotic day at work. I wasn't perfect, I wasn't anywhere close to perfect, but I did well enough. There was a part of it that definitely amused me. 

Shortly after I had made the decision to try and be present through the day, to try and move softly and deliberately. the electricians showed up.  Two of them.  Then, all around me they climbed up on their ladder, with their drills and tools, and adjusted the lightning.  Loudly.

Still, in spite of  the interruption, I was able to stay present through most of the day - or at least aware of the times when I was venturing off center.  I think I am going to try and repeat the exercise tomorrow and see how it helps me move through the day.

Lost On The Way To Work

I am always fascinated by the territory of dreams.  This weekend was no excuse.  I had a dream about trying to get into my office and in the dream I was having to make my way through all kinds of construction sites and detours, some of which were incorrect.  Once again, it is an apt metaphor for the working environment.  I've said that one of the more significant challenges at work is that no one really seems to know who is responsible for what.  It is something I am hoping we manage to overcome in the next year. 

I Am...The Law

Like the song says, "busting rocks in the hot sun, I fought the law and the law won". Except in this case to quote Judge Dredd, "I am the law!"

Last week at work I thought that perhaps, finally, I have found the dragon to big to slay. After a couple of months of dancing around and trying to find a place of compromise I sought out a final ruling on the question of who ran the program. I was pleased to learn this afternoon and then see it in writing that my team ran our projects.

In that great battle between creativity and innovation versus bureaucracy and conservatism we won a tiny battle, a simple battle, the battle to determine the parts of a project. In some ways it's kind of tragic that we actually had to fight it. But corporations have a tendency toward stagnation so it's the constant pressure of creative destruction that keeps them moving forward.

I'm actually looking forward to the next conversation with my friend the project engineer because I sincerely believe he did not expect to lose. Now of course all I have to do is deliver and prove that how we work is the best approach. Either way I am kind of just relieved that that particular struggle is over for now. Let me switch gears real quick.

Three days of work ahead of me and then it's off to South Dakota for a weeks vacation and a nice visit with the folks. I'm going to spend a couple nights at the ranch and then I've got a room in a Holiday Inn Express in town, close to the assisted-living apartment where my parents now live. I didn't see any real value in driving back and forth to the ranch every day. My nephew is staying there of course and I look forward to seeing him but we live on different schedules. He is very much a night person and I am very much a day person so even if I stayed at the ranch we would probably barely cross each other's paths.

He is going to meet me in Rapid City on Friday and we're probably going to spend the night there. Get a good dinner somewhere and see the new X-Men movie. However it unfolds I am definitely looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the conversation with TR tonight like I do every night. And I think on that note I'll wrap it up here.

A Bit of A Longer Entry

For reasons known only to the universe Dragon does not work well in Internet explorer. It seems to end up with strange trailing or leading letters all by themselves. I blame Internet Explorer because it doesn't seem to do it in any other application. For example here in the DragonPad it works great. So, I pivoted over here to write a bit more about today.

It started out simple enough. I woke to the sound of rain. I wasn't expecting it because I hadn't been paying any attention to the Weather Channel so it was a pleasant surprise. I lingered in bed for a while just listening to the sound of the rain. That is a truly wonderful sound. Eventually though I rolled out, took a hot shower, shaved and started the day.

The work day was divided into three big blocks now that I think about it. The first block was to productive part of the day. I got us couple of smaller projects knocked off and I got permission from my manager to pursue a bit of a vanity project. One of our customers keeps requesting a system enhancement and the request keeps dying on the vine. Having watched it happen through two or three cycles I've come to the conclusion that the root of the problem is they are not adequately prepared.

It is in the nature of conservative corporations such as mine to begin from the default position of no. If they don't like the idea that no. If they don't understand the idea then no. It can be a tough environment to get any change in. So I asked my management for couple of hours to work with them and help them build their business case. It made me laugh because my managers initial response was also no. I don't know I guess I have a totally different mentality where systems should bend to the will of the users and not the reverse.

In our case I think sometimes the people who controlled the administration systems are so swept up in the chaos of their days that they're not listening to the customers. They know they should, they would like to, but they're just too damn busy. But I want to do when working with the customer is show them how to build the business case that will force the decision they want. There is always a chance of course that the decision won't go the way they want it to go but if that happens then I want them to understand exactly why so they can drop the request and not keep resurfacing it.

Work aside, I am looking forward to the weekend. I don't really have anything planned except the usual breakfast with the guys but I'm sure I'll figure something out. Maybe catch a movie, maybe take a short local trip. Definitely get some laundry done, spend a little time cleaning the spare bedroom, and of course a little bit of that all-important time relaxing. With that I'm going to wrap this entry up and officially settle into the lazy evening.

Busy From End to End

Today was one of those days where the best thing that I could do was...just keep going.  I knew as the day began that it was going to shape up like that.  I started with a three hour round of meetings, then left home for a routine medical appointment, then, a quick lunch and into the office to get my work laptop replaced. Not overwhelming, just constantly busy from beginning to end.  At the end of the day I came home, settled in for a bit of dinner, and am watching the return of "Mad Men".  I think that is going to sum up the day, though I might spend a little time getting my new laptop configured.  Rather than just moving everything over from the old laptop I asked the technicians to allow me to do the restore so I can use the move to the new computer as an excuse to leave a lot of junk behind.

A Persistent Work Dream

I have a rather persistent work related dream that I thought I would write about this morning. One of the challenges we face at work is that we are often trying to manage and execute multiple overlapping projects.  This makes traditional project management techniques challenging and ineffective.  On several different occasions I've dreamt that I had some sort of elaborate software program, with an interface that is Windows 8 like, which allows me to track and manage all of these projects.  I have no idea what it is, but I like the way it works in the dream. I think I am going to have to look around and see if I can find something like it in the wild.  I am at a point in work where things are fairly intense in terms of moving deadlines and shifting teams, so, unfortunately, work has been permeating my dreams. I would much rather dream of more pleasant things!

Temper, Temper, Temper

I skirted against the edges of my temper today.  At work, we are going to move from the area where we are currently located by ourselves to a new area that we will share with another group.  I am apprehensive about the move. 

The other group is larger than we are and in our history with being co-mingled with other larger groups - we often end up struggling for the essentials, since the larger group can simple overwhelm us.  The complicate matters, we are moving into an area with a group with which we have bad history.

Now, it is always a challenge to not let the history influence the present too much - but it is also a mistake to forget the lessons of history. In a rather heated discussion with the manager of the other group today, I made it clear that I am sincerely worried about the issue and the potential issues that are going to arrive. 

I am further exasperated because I think the other group gave our group the short shrift in planning the move and in how the area is going to configured.  And I am further frustrated because I think our management was asleep at the switch while this was going on.  Now, I am going to have to push fairly hard to make sure our group is taken care of.  A frustrating day all in all and I get even more frustrated because it all could have been handled much better.

This seems to be one of those things where I should probably just let it go - but that is difficult for me. I have deeply buried within me an unwillingness to just go along to get along.  The dehumanization that is possible in large companies is always very difficult for me to swallow and I refuse to (it is the Kool-Aid that I won't drink, LOL, which is what started the whole conflict with my Director, when she told me I had to drink the Kool-Aid) just let it go.  Is it a battle I should fight?  Probably not...probably not.  But, well, temper, temper, temper.

Maybe Tinker

Early evening.  I am sitting on the couch.  I've just finished installing my Brother wireless inkjet printer.  It was a bit frustrating, but in the end, it worked fine.  The frustration wasn't in the installation process, but rather in the instructions for that process. As I well know with years of experience, writing instructions is not an easy task.  Or rather, let me say, it is a deceptively simple task - and very hard to get right.

It was a relatively good day at work, though I started with a six a.m. meeting.  However, in the form of temporary redemption, the meeting went well.  A bit of deft maneuvering by the team resulted in the answer everyone wanted to hear.  From there, I just kind of swept through the day, weaving from meeting to meeting, and then wrapping it up with a bit of productivity and successfully completing two tasks.

Tonight leads me into my three day weekend and I am looking forward to it.  I don't have any meetings scheduled for tomorrow, but I will probably check in on work a time or two, since my boss is on vacation.  It should be quiet though. (How many times have those been famous last words?)  I don't have anything planned for the weekend, I just want to relax, enjoy the passage of these beautiful spring days, maybe read a bit, maybe tinker around the apartment.

It Was A Better Day

Well, it was a better day than yesterday.  After the curves that got thrown at me yesterday, I headed into the office early this morning and spent the bulk of the morning preparing for my VP presentation.  Fortunately, I combine the two skill sets of knowing what I am talking about and being able to wing it - so the presentation went over very well, with the VP giving us a green light to go on to the next phase of the project - obsessive planning!  My favorite part.

I bowed out of the office early since I went in early (and since I spent most of last night tossing and turning), came home, ate a nice dinner.  Watched an episode of "The Good Wife", read a magazine, and now am planning to read Lang Leav's "Love and Misadventures" as the evening winds down.  It is a beautiful and sunny evening outside and I can hear the birds on the patio discussing their evening plans with some vigor. 

It may be one of those nights when it is actually a struggle to stay away until a late enough hour.  If that turns out to be the case, then I am going to run through the tub.  Meanwhile, I am waiting to talk to TR when she gets a window and reading a little poetry.

Waiting For The Night To Wind Down

"Lost, on a painted sky, where the clouds are hung for the poets eye..." Neal Diamond

That song is on the Jonathan Livingston Seagull soundtrack and I have no idea why it is floating around inside my mind tonight.  Perhaps because it is such a beautiful evening here in California.  Our rain storm seems to have passed through and the evening has been sunny and warm.  I am currently sitting in the living room watching an episode of "Castle" and inhaling the fresh air through the open patio door.

It was a long day at work.  Actually, yesterday was the long day - I worked about fifteen hours in total, a full day and then a full evening due to a technical glitch on one of the systems that I had to hand hold into the evening.  Fortunately the issue was resolved and it did not cascade into the next day.

I had a great conversation with TR and snuggled deep into bed. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well - I tossed and turned, got up and paced about a couple of times, and then finally fell asleep and slept for about five hours.  The office was busy today, so the time passed quickly and I made some good headway and then tonight, I skated home into this beautiful evening and I am watching the clock make that slow sweep until nightfall.  I may have one of those evenings where I have to struggle to stay awake, least I go to sleep too early - but, I suspect I could go to sleep very easy.

I do hope to manage to stay awake for a while at least - long enough to watch this episode of Castle, then perhaps some time with TR, and finally a chance to curl up and read myself to sleep.  It seems strange, but I have already worked 23 hours in two days.  Whew, no wonder I am sitting here, tired and waiting for the night to wind down.

Any Day - Today

It was a good day at the office.  Busy, long, but productive.  I made some real headway and I am looking forward to making some more headway tomorrow.  This is my five work day week and I'll suffer a bit tomorrow - I think I was close to having worked 48 hours in four days, so tomorrow's three meetings is about all they are going to get out of me by the end of the day.  I had a meeting with one of the system engineers who pushed a little hard to do some expectation setting, since I thing we were off track with each other.   I always hate doing that - basically the baseball equivalent of brushing a batter back, but there are times it has to be done.

Our company has a group that provides into technology services and they are, essentially, a captive vendor that we have to use for most projects.  The problem is, like all captive vendors, they have no financial incentives to provide good customer service.  As a result, they can be pushy and arrogant.  That is not necessarily a reflection of the individuals - but rather a reflection of the culture that has grown up there. Meetings with them can be tough because they tend to be all about what they want, not what the customer wants.  Since I sit close to the customer (metaphorically), I have, over the years, been forced to give them a brush back a time or two or more.  I always dislike doing it - but I have learned that if I don't do it, I will get eaten alive.  But, even with that, it was a good day.

On the personal level I had a wonderful email from TR yesterday and enjoyed writing back to her today.  Her journey continues and I love and support her on it, though are days when my heart yearns. I am home now, for the evening, settling in with the plan to watch a spot of TV, then do some reading into the night.  I was watching Craig Ferguson tonight as I ate dinner and the actress Alice Eve referenced a truly great George Harrison song - Any Road.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mePp1l299EE

When The Rain Falls

It is a beautiful afternoon here in California.  As you may know, if you watch the news or the weather channel, we are sliding into a pretty wicked drought here.  Fortunately, right now, we've got a very nice Pacific rain storm pouring down upon us.  It won't be enough to break the drought, but every inch of rain is going to help and they are predicting that we are going to get an inch or more out of this one and there is another right behind it carrying the same promise.

I've been working a lot this week - a pair of 12 hour days in row and then 10 hours today, with the possibility of another 2 hours this evening.  I am going to meet Tony for dinner at Denny's down the street, mostly to see how his world is treating him as he enters what is potentially the end of days for his employment with the City of San Jose.  I've been working on my big project and I bulled my way through a big hurdle this week, moving the customers that much closer to a concept of operations, which is the document that cascades into all the other documents.

I had a rough day yesterday, just a lot of stress in the chaos of work, unintentionally aggravated by one of my co-workers who seems to have developed a real affinity for bureaucracy and one of the things that can get under my skin pretty quick is our pointless love of paperwork.  It led to a testy exchange - and I carried that into the evening.  I was thinking about it as I feel asleep, so I tossed and turned off and on for about two hours, which means I was up late.  I did come to a solution, at least one that will satisfy me, and so I am going to address that tomorrow.

Then, in the evening, I got a wonderful email from TR, which I absolutely devoured.  Following that, I called my folks in Winner and talked with them for over an hour.  Well, mostly they talked and I listened.  It was a pleasant conversation, but I have to say - that whole growing old thing is not for the faint of heart.  When I finally climbed into bed I read for a while and then slipped into a pattern of reading, trying to sleep, reading, trying to sleep until eventually I fell off.  Morning came a little too soon and that is what carried me into the day.  But, tonight, outside, the rain is falling and it is beautiful

A Quick Step of a Week

Okay, it is a quiet Friday evening and, after dishes and taking the trash out, I am kicked back and watching an episode of Ancient Aliens, one of my guilty pleasures.  Let me catch you up real quick on the things that have been going on.  On the personal side of the house TR is on her journey yet, so I am missing her and enjoying each chance to talk when it occurs.  The folks are doing well in the assisted living community in Winner, SD.  Siblings are doing okay.  Most of my friends are continuing their journey there, so all is pretty much status quo.  At work we rolled out phase one of the project I am working on and we got some much needed direction in terms of future developments in the project and the O&M support model.  The launch was amusing but mostly smooth.  Now, we start work on the second phase this coming week.  In short, a brisk and busy week without a lot of opportunities to write - most of the free time I had went to work, to the process of getting the project launched.  I am looking forward to a solid night of sleep tonight without having to worry about the work project - largely because no one should be working over the weekend.  Tomorrow, I am planning on making it a long, slow and easy day.