Showing posts with label Zen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zen. Show all posts
Friday, October 3, 2014
Some Thoughts on Complexities
I spent some time today thinking about the various complexities that enter our lives. It takes a certain discipline and a certain will to learn to ignore them. Most complexities are imaginary. They are the result of our minds creating associations between things where those associations really don't exist. Oh, there is cause and effect - the causal chain is simply how the world works. But, sometimes we assume a cause and effect and where there really isn't one. This is illusion in action. One of the things we can do to attain a greater state of awareness of what is real and what is not real is to simply pay attention to the causal chain, really pay attention to it. If we focus and meditate on the causal chain, if we walk through the parts of the chain, if we consider the relationships and the sequence, we can often pierce the veil of illusion. Life is not entirely a cluster of random events, but it is very close to that. Our mind loves complexities - we can perceive them, we can understand them, we can even embrace them - but we need to be careful of the illusion. We need to be careful of the times when we create our illusory complexities and then act as if they are real.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Like Dew...
Like dew that vanishes,
Like a phantom that disappears,
Or the light cast by a flash of lightning-
So should one think of oneself.
-Ikkyu
Like a phantom that disappears,
Or the light cast by a flash of lightning-
So should one think of oneself.
-Ikkyu
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
I Try To Be Present
I made the decision this morning to try and be present, as authentically present, as I could, given that I anticipated a chaotic day at work. I wasn't perfect, I wasn't anywhere close to perfect, but I did well enough. There was a part of it that definitely amused me.
Shortly after I had made the decision to try and be present through the day, to try and move softly and deliberately. the electricians showed up. Two of them. Then, all around me they climbed up on their ladder, with their drills and tools, and adjusted the lightning. Loudly.
Still, in spite of the interruption, I was able to stay present through most of the day - or at least aware of the times when I was venturing off center. I think I am going to try and repeat the exercise tomorrow and see how it helps me move through the day.
Shortly after I had made the decision to try and be present through the day, to try and move softly and deliberately. the electricians showed up. Two of them. Then, all around me they climbed up on their ladder, with their drills and tools, and adjusted the lightning. Loudly.
Still, in spite of the interruption, I was able to stay present through most of the day - or at least aware of the times when I was venturing off center. I think I am going to try and repeat the exercise tomorrow and see how it helps me move through the day.
Monday, January 6, 2014
To Be Authentic, Everywhere
So today I read an interesting quote by the author Jack Kornfield. " Imagine you are Buddha in disguise. No one knows but you, but you know you must bring caring and understanding no matter what. How can you accomplish this?" The quote is from his book "A Lamp In The Darkness". I think that's an amazing thing to consider. It's been tickling the back of my imagination ever since I read it.
As we go through the average day we've got plenty of opportunities to contemplate that simple mantra. Not only to contemplate the mantra, but consider how it will change our present behavior in each of the circumstances we encounter. Will we be kinder to strangers? Will we be more compassionate toward our coworkers? Will we remember the importance of our family? Will we be more gentle with ourselves? The possibilities are endless.
Today I had a couple of opportunities to put it into action. Work always brings with it its own level of stress. It's hard for me to stay centered, focused, and present in the course of the working day. There are just too many distractions, good and bad, to make things simple. So I find myself lost in complexity. I can see the simplicity but it always seems just out of grasp. As I work toward being more authentically present in the coming year I foresee a lot of that work happening at work.
In the relative serenity of my quiet living room I enjoy thinking about the challenge of being present. Here, I am present. But, it's much easier, because I can control the distractions. I can turn the television off. I can ignore the telephone. E-mail, instant messaging and text are all tools at my disposal to be engaged on my schedule
What I would like to be able to do is figure out how to carry that level of serenity into the working environment. I may not control the physical on and off button. But I can control the on and off button in my mind. I can decide what I pay attention to. I can decide where my focus is in any given moment. I think in a nutshell that sums up the challenge I face at work. I also face and in my personal life, but, I think, to a much lesser degree. I suspect that success and being authentic in either environment will carry over into the other. The separation between the working world and my personal life is mostly imaginary. I am the same person in both environments. I think that's part of the challenge is well. Because that part of us which is authentic is authentic everywhere. So at the end of the day what I am seeking is to simply be authentic. Everywhere.
As we go through the average day we've got plenty of opportunities to contemplate that simple mantra. Not only to contemplate the mantra, but consider how it will change our present behavior in each of the circumstances we encounter. Will we be kinder to strangers? Will we be more compassionate toward our coworkers? Will we remember the importance of our family? Will we be more gentle with ourselves? The possibilities are endless.
Today I had a couple of opportunities to put it into action. Work always brings with it its own level of stress. It's hard for me to stay centered, focused, and present in the course of the working day. There are just too many distractions, good and bad, to make things simple. So I find myself lost in complexity. I can see the simplicity but it always seems just out of grasp. As I work toward being more authentically present in the coming year I foresee a lot of that work happening at work.
In the relative serenity of my quiet living room I enjoy thinking about the challenge of being present. Here, I am present. But, it's much easier, because I can control the distractions. I can turn the television off. I can ignore the telephone. E-mail, instant messaging and text are all tools at my disposal to be engaged on my schedule
What I would like to be able to do is figure out how to carry that level of serenity into the working environment. I may not control the physical on and off button. But I can control the on and off button in my mind. I can decide what I pay attention to. I can decide where my focus is in any given moment. I think in a nutshell that sums up the challenge I face at work. I also face and in my personal life, but, I think, to a much lesser degree. I suspect that success and being authentic in either environment will carry over into the other. The separation between the working world and my personal life is mostly imaginary. I am the same person in both environments. I think that's part of the challenge is well. Because that part of us which is authentic is authentic everywhere. So at the end of the day what I am seeking is to simply be authentic. Everywhere.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
A Spoon Rattling In A Cup
The sound of a spoon rattling against the rim of a cup of coffee. There is a Zen simplicity in that. Can you be authentically inside the sound?
Obviously, it's been a zen weekend. I'm not sure if the word zen can be used as an adverb. However, it is appropriate to describe how the weekend has been flowing. I dove into the day yesterday. On waking I went through my normal routine shower, coffee, breakfast. Then I immediately went out and did five loads of laundry. It was a little bit cold in the morning, since I'm sure they keep the laundromat heater set at about 60. Still, I love doing laundry. I love the scents. I love the textures. I love the action. There is a purity in it.
After I completed the laundry I came home and started the process of taking my Christmas decorations down. They come down quick, because I've mastered the art of keeping my decorations simple over the years. I enjoyed the Christmas season this year very much. I was able to keep it mostly simple. There was a bit of melancholy as I pulled the decorations down. But the new year is upon us, I'm ready for it, and I suppose redecorating is part of it. Small external changes to reflect small internal changes.
With the Christmas decorations down, I then spent the next hour or so cleaning the patio, sweeping the stairs, and sweeping the landing below. I had an incident with the dustpan. I had just loaded it with the mixed debris from the patio, empty sunflower seeds from the birdfeeder, tiny particles that came off the roof, dead leaves, dust – and I brought it inside the kitchen to put it in the trash. I have one of those dustpan's that's a long stick and stick twisted in my hand. I spilled about a couple of the debris on the kitchen floor. That led to the sweeping and mopping of the kitchen. From there I cleaned the bathroom and made a few incidental adjustments in the living room and kitchen. Sweep the floor. Zen.
After that was done I went out to lunch. I met Richard and Tony at the Sonoma Chicken Coop in Campbell. I had a chicken Cobb salad and a bowl of chicken noodle soup. The salad was very good. The soup not so much. At some point in the last 5 to 10 years someone decided that vegetables in soup need to be al dente. I disagree. The vegetables in soup need to be cooked into the soup. They need to be so tender they nearly disintegrate. They need to melt on your tongue. If you cook them out then take it's not really a soup it's vegetables thrown in broth. The whole purpose of the soup is to intermingle the flavors and create something new. Al dente vegetables simply taste like vegetables. There is no alchemy.
We followed lunch with a walk through downtown Campbell and then sat at Starbucks drinking coffee and talking for the next two hours. Most of the conversation was Rick telling us the tale of his ancestors. I had heard most of it before in various parts, but I think it was a relatively new story for Tony and he seemed to enjoy it. We both encouraged Rick to write the story down, I think there's a great little book in there somewhere. Of course, I have no idea for it can actually write. Still, it's a cool story.
I eventually made my way home, watched an old Vincent Price movie - "The Last Man On Earth", and then in episode of "America Unearthed", then wrap the evening up with a conversation with my tender and beautiful TR. The day finished, I slipped into bed, read for a little while and fell asleep.
I woke up a couple times during the night for no real reason. I actually consider it having been a good night's sleep. I did have a strange dream, though I only remember fragments of it. It involved a giant Eagle, an airport bar that was more like a mountain lodge and a German Shepherd who had taught himself to serve milk bones for breakfast. The subconscious is a strange place.
Another beautiful day is unfolding here in California. I'm about to head out to meet Bob and Tony for breakfast. I'm going to deliver some movies to DJ. And of course, TR is in my mind and in my heart today.
Obviously, it's been a zen weekend. I'm not sure if the word zen can be used as an adverb. However, it is appropriate to describe how the weekend has been flowing. I dove into the day yesterday. On waking I went through my normal routine shower, coffee, breakfast. Then I immediately went out and did five loads of laundry. It was a little bit cold in the morning, since I'm sure they keep the laundromat heater set at about 60. Still, I love doing laundry. I love the scents. I love the textures. I love the action. There is a purity in it.
After I completed the laundry I came home and started the process of taking my Christmas decorations down. They come down quick, because I've mastered the art of keeping my decorations simple over the years. I enjoyed the Christmas season this year very much. I was able to keep it mostly simple. There was a bit of melancholy as I pulled the decorations down. But the new year is upon us, I'm ready for it, and I suppose redecorating is part of it. Small external changes to reflect small internal changes.
With the Christmas decorations down, I then spent the next hour or so cleaning the patio, sweeping the stairs, and sweeping the landing below. I had an incident with the dustpan. I had just loaded it with the mixed debris from the patio, empty sunflower seeds from the birdfeeder, tiny particles that came off the roof, dead leaves, dust – and I brought it inside the kitchen to put it in the trash. I have one of those dustpan's that's a long stick and stick twisted in my hand. I spilled about a couple of the debris on the kitchen floor. That led to the sweeping and mopping of the kitchen. From there I cleaned the bathroom and made a few incidental adjustments in the living room and kitchen. Sweep the floor. Zen.
After that was done I went out to lunch. I met Richard and Tony at the Sonoma Chicken Coop in Campbell. I had a chicken Cobb salad and a bowl of chicken noodle soup. The salad was very good. The soup not so much. At some point in the last 5 to 10 years someone decided that vegetables in soup need to be al dente. I disagree. The vegetables in soup need to be cooked into the soup. They need to be so tender they nearly disintegrate. They need to melt on your tongue. If you cook them out then take it's not really a soup it's vegetables thrown in broth. The whole purpose of the soup is to intermingle the flavors and create something new. Al dente vegetables simply taste like vegetables. There is no alchemy.
We followed lunch with a walk through downtown Campbell and then sat at Starbucks drinking coffee and talking for the next two hours. Most of the conversation was Rick telling us the tale of his ancestors. I had heard most of it before in various parts, but I think it was a relatively new story for Tony and he seemed to enjoy it. We both encouraged Rick to write the story down, I think there's a great little book in there somewhere. Of course, I have no idea for it can actually write. Still, it's a cool story.
I eventually made my way home, watched an old Vincent Price movie - "The Last Man On Earth", and then in episode of "America Unearthed", then wrap the evening up with a conversation with my tender and beautiful TR. The day finished, I slipped into bed, read for a little while and fell asleep.
I woke up a couple times during the night for no real reason. I actually consider it having been a good night's sleep. I did have a strange dream, though I only remember fragments of it. It involved a giant Eagle, an airport bar that was more like a mountain lodge and a German Shepherd who had taught himself to serve milk bones for breakfast. The subconscious is a strange place.
Another beautiful day is unfolding here in California. I'm about to head out to meet Bob and Tony for breakfast. I'm going to deliver some movies to DJ. And of course, TR is in my mind and in my heart today.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
A Very Zen Weekend
It has been a good weekend. It's moving at a nice and easy pace, yet at the same time it has been fairly productive. I had a wonderful three hour conversation with TR last night where we managed to cover, at one level or another, every subject in the book. I love those conversations.
I slept deeply last night and dreamed, but it was a night full of ordinary dreams. I woke up early this morning, rested and energized, and basically dove into the day. Breakfast was simple and I chased it was some needed housecleaning, then I was off to the laundry. The laundromat I usual go to has changed hands and the change is for the better - the place is nice, neat, clean and has an attendant now, which is outstanding.
While the laundry was spinning in circles, I took a nice wandering walk around the neighborhood and enjoyed the sights and scents of fall. Laundry done I came home and folded it. I love the scent of fresh laundry. From there, I kicked back and watched "On The Road", an excellent little movie.
I slept deeply last night and dreamed, but it was a night full of ordinary dreams. I woke up early this morning, rested and energized, and basically dove into the day. Breakfast was simple and I chased it was some needed housecleaning, then I was off to the laundry. The laundromat I usual go to has changed hands and the change is for the better - the place is nice, neat, clean and has an attendant now, which is outstanding.
While the laundry was spinning in circles, I took a nice wandering walk around the neighborhood and enjoyed the sights and scents of fall. Laundry done I came home and folded it. I love the scent of fresh laundry. From there, I kicked back and watched "On The Road", an excellent little movie.
Because I dove straight into the day, it is only the early part of the afternoon and I have accomplished quite a bit. That should allow me to enjoy the rest of the day, simply and purely. It has been a very zen weekend.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Dreams of Searching for a Place
For three days in a row I've dreamed I was searching for a place. The details of the dreams changed but the theme remained. It was the theme of searching for a place. They weren't anxiety dreams. They were more of what I would call curiosity dreams. I was searching for a place from a sense of curiosity. I am sure they were reflective of my ongoing inner search. I will be curious to see if the theme remains.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
A Collection of Morning Thoughts
I woke up at 4:45 AM this morning. It was simply beautiful outside. At that hour dawn is only a faint hint on the horizon, everything is very still and quiet, and after our heat wave it is blessedly cool. I lay in bed for a while and contemplated sleeping in, but I found I was already wide awake. I woke up and padded around the house in the semi-darkness and just kind of savored the moment of the morning.
I discovered that at 2:11 AM my Blackberry had locked up. That was the first time it had done that, so I did I forced restart by popping the battery and then putting it back in. I hope that is not a trend, because otherwise I happen to like the Z10. It is a sweet little phone and the only complaint I have is that the ring tones and message tones are on the soft side. Since I usually carry my cell phone in my pocket, I like them to be a bit louder.
A nice hot shower, clean clothes, a cup of coffee, a bowl of Special K and I find myself moving smoothly into the morning. I have three days before I start my two week vacation, which will include my annual pilgrimage to Comic Con in San Diego. I am looking forward to both the two week vacation and trip down to San Diego.
I've got a fair load of work to try and get wrapped up before I depart, but, I am feeling pretty confident that it is going to be a relatively clean vacation. Now, I am sure that, at several points during the vacation I am going to peek into my email just to make sure nothing has totally exploded. I would rather spend a few minutes of my time on vacation then come back to something fully engulfed in a work fire frenzy.
My monkey mind kind of skittered around this morning. I am always amazed at the ability of the mind to pull me out of the moment and off into something that really has nothing to do with me, something I cannot influence, something I did not cause, something that only peripherally effects me because I am aware of it, or because it effects someone I know. My mind really likes to solve puzzles and problems, so I think sometimes when it has none, it will quite happily borrow them or invent them. That is not necessarily a good thing.
Over the weekend I did a lot of cleaning in my living room, basking in the Zen nature of the simple and repetitive tasks, with an end result of a clean, neat and uncluttered living room. I love the feeling when I come into the living room and the clean lines of it inspire me to try and keep the same clean lines in my life.
When you read about simplicity, one of the things you'll read about is that your stuff, your environment, has a direct impact on your mental condition. I find that is very true. When my environment is simple and clean, my mind is simple and clean. It's a great combination. I've mentioned in previous posts that my drive toward simplicity seems to move in waves. I think I am about to enter another wave of simplicity, another wave of minimalism. I am looking forward to it over the upcoming vacation.
I discovered that at 2:11 AM my Blackberry had locked up. That was the first time it had done that, so I did I forced restart by popping the battery and then putting it back in. I hope that is not a trend, because otherwise I happen to like the Z10. It is a sweet little phone and the only complaint I have is that the ring tones and message tones are on the soft side. Since I usually carry my cell phone in my pocket, I like them to be a bit louder.
A nice hot shower, clean clothes, a cup of coffee, a bowl of Special K and I find myself moving smoothly into the morning. I have three days before I start my two week vacation, which will include my annual pilgrimage to Comic Con in San Diego. I am looking forward to both the two week vacation and trip down to San Diego.
I've got a fair load of work to try and get wrapped up before I depart, but, I am feeling pretty confident that it is going to be a relatively clean vacation. Now, I am sure that, at several points during the vacation I am going to peek into my email just to make sure nothing has totally exploded. I would rather spend a few minutes of my time on vacation then come back to something fully engulfed in a work fire frenzy.
My monkey mind kind of skittered around this morning. I am always amazed at the ability of the mind to pull me out of the moment and off into something that really has nothing to do with me, something I cannot influence, something I did not cause, something that only peripherally effects me because I am aware of it, or because it effects someone I know. My mind really likes to solve puzzles and problems, so I think sometimes when it has none, it will quite happily borrow them or invent them. That is not necessarily a good thing.
Over the weekend I did a lot of cleaning in my living room, basking in the Zen nature of the simple and repetitive tasks, with an end result of a clean, neat and uncluttered living room. I love the feeling when I come into the living room and the clean lines of it inspire me to try and keep the same clean lines in my life.
When you read about simplicity, one of the things you'll read about is that your stuff, your environment, has a direct impact on your mental condition. I find that is very true. When my environment is simple and clean, my mind is simple and clean. It's a great combination. I've mentioned in previous posts that my drive toward simplicity seems to move in waves. I think I am about to enter another wave of simplicity, another wave of minimalism. I am looking forward to it over the upcoming vacation.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
An Alternate Day
I walked a slightly different path through the day today. Though I did the ordinary sort of things that I always do, I was just slightly off to the side as I did them, which was the intention. On waking, I started an ordinary day - but about an hour into the day I realized that I wanted to have a different day - so I changed my pattern. I fired up the iPod, hit some Van Morrison, and started the day with a round of incidental house cleaning.
I had breakfast over at the Hickory Pit with Tony, then we went up to the big Fry's in Sunnyvale to walk around and look at the technical toys. I picked up two boxes of coffee for Gort, my Keurig coffee machine. Then, I swung home, dropped Tony off and threw myself into the process of house cleaning. I moved the entire contents of the living room into the kitchen (one of the advantages of minimalism) and shampooed the carpet. It was slow going in part because there was a persistently difficult stain near the front door. It took several passes to get it cleaned up. After I shampooed the floor, I went out to grab a bite for lunch.
I stopped at Sushi Boat at Westgate, one of my favorite sushi places, and had a nice and tasty selection of roles with a bowl of Miso soup. I've been considering getting a new computer desk, so I stopped down at Office Max to see what they had for options, and though they had a couple that came close, in the end, I didn't select any. I stopped at Orchard Supply Hardware and replaced from cleaning supplies that I had used up during the day, then swung home.
For a while I had the couch, alone, in the middle of the living room floor, and sat on it while I contemplated how to configure the living room. I have an interesting things - I am feeling the need to simplify some more - but, each piece of furniture in the living room gets used routinely. The only piece that does not get routinely used is the love seat, though that is more out of habit. I am going to consider donating it, but I am going to consider it carefully. It is a good love seat. After a spot of contemplation, I approved it on a very linear design - we'll see if I like it.
Then, as I slowly put the living room back together, I watched a movie called "Botched" off the DVR. I had recorded it from Showtime and I recorded it because of the cast - Stephen Dorf and Jaime Murray. It was a strange movie and quite literally all of the performances were phoned in. The entire thing appears to have been shot over the course of a week or two, with minimal sets. It was not unwatchable - you could see that there was the spark of a good movie in there and, if you like cheesy comedic horror films, you might like it. My expectation was set very low going in, so I can honestly say I wasn't disappointed. I was entertained and of course, Jaime Murray is always a pleasure to watch.
I had breakfast over at the Hickory Pit with Tony, then we went up to the big Fry's in Sunnyvale to walk around and look at the technical toys. I picked up two boxes of coffee for Gort, my Keurig coffee machine. Then, I swung home, dropped Tony off and threw myself into the process of house cleaning. I moved the entire contents of the living room into the kitchen (one of the advantages of minimalism) and shampooed the carpet. It was slow going in part because there was a persistently difficult stain near the front door. It took several passes to get it cleaned up. After I shampooed the floor, I went out to grab a bite for lunch.
I stopped at Sushi Boat at Westgate, one of my favorite sushi places, and had a nice and tasty selection of roles with a bowl of Miso soup. I've been considering getting a new computer desk, so I stopped down at Office Max to see what they had for options, and though they had a couple that came close, in the end, I didn't select any. I stopped at Orchard Supply Hardware and replaced from cleaning supplies that I had used up during the day, then swung home.
For a while I had the couch, alone, in the middle of the living room floor, and sat on it while I contemplated how to configure the living room. I have an interesting things - I am feeling the need to simplify some more - but, each piece of furniture in the living room gets used routinely. The only piece that does not get routinely used is the love seat, though that is more out of habit. I am going to consider donating it, but I am going to consider it carefully. It is a good love seat. After a spot of contemplation, I approved it on a very linear design - we'll see if I like it.
Then, as I slowly put the living room back together, I watched a movie called "Botched" off the DVR. I had recorded it from Showtime and I recorded it because of the cast - Stephen Dorf and Jaime Murray. It was a strange movie and quite literally all of the performances were phoned in. The entire thing appears to have been shot over the course of a week or two, with minimal sets. It was not unwatchable - you could see that there was the spark of a good movie in there and, if you like cheesy comedic horror films, you might like it. My expectation was set very low going in, so I can honestly say I wasn't disappointed. I was entertained and of course, Jaime Murray is always a pleasure to watch.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Scarcely A Ripple
Okay, let's start over. Sometimes when I go to write an entry here, I get midway through it and I realize it doesn't make a lot of sense or it doesn't serve any purpose. At that point, I'll often stop myself and start over.
As we go through our lives and listen to our own self-talk, we can become aware of the things that are going on in our minds. Sometimes I find that I have amazingly negative self-talk. I was telling T.R. the other day that sometimes, in the morning, if I happen to struggle to get my contact lens in, I can find myself swearing at the contact lens. That is pretty pointless behavior. They are inanimate pieces of plastic. It's not like they are plotting again me overnight, lying in the case, and the right one says to the left one "Okay, no matter what he does tomorrow, you cling to his finger as tightly as you can, we'll see how many different profanities we can get him to swear!".
So much of our difficulties in life come from those times when our expectations don't line up with the world that unfolds. We expect the contact lens to go in easily. They don't. We swear. Insert pretty much any subject you want in the place of contact lens. When that happens to me, I need to pull myself carefully into the moment and realign my expectations with the world that unfolds. That is not always an easy thing to do. So, today, as I move through the day, I am going to try and be authentically in the moment and not let my expectations get away from me.
It's move of a question of making sure my expectations line up with the world that unfolds - taking those small adjusting movements that pull the world as I want it into alignment with the world that is. The world that is simply is. It is not going to adjust to meet me. It is simply going to be what it is. The adjustment has to happen on my part. So, I think that will be the theme of my day - adjustment - adjust and see if the worlds will line up and I can move through them with scarcely a ripple. Wish me luck.
As we go through our lives and listen to our own self-talk, we can become aware of the things that are going on in our minds. Sometimes I find that I have amazingly negative self-talk. I was telling T.R. the other day that sometimes, in the morning, if I happen to struggle to get my contact lens in, I can find myself swearing at the contact lens. That is pretty pointless behavior. They are inanimate pieces of plastic. It's not like they are plotting again me overnight, lying in the case, and the right one says to the left one "Okay, no matter what he does tomorrow, you cling to his finger as tightly as you can, we'll see how many different profanities we can get him to swear!".
So much of our difficulties in life come from those times when our expectations don't line up with the world that unfolds. We expect the contact lens to go in easily. They don't. We swear. Insert pretty much any subject you want in the place of contact lens. When that happens to me, I need to pull myself carefully into the moment and realign my expectations with the world that unfolds. That is not always an easy thing to do. So, today, as I move through the day, I am going to try and be authentically in the moment and not let my expectations get away from me.
It's move of a question of making sure my expectations line up with the world that unfolds - taking those small adjusting movements that pull the world as I want it into alignment with the world that is. The world that is simply is. It is not going to adjust to meet me. It is simply going to be what it is. The adjustment has to happen on my part. So, I think that will be the theme of my day - adjustment - adjust and see if the worlds will line up and I can move through them with scarcely a ripple. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
The Fierce Little Mind Dance
When I woke up this morning my monkey mind was sitting there, waiting to pounce. I woke up at 4:00 AM sharp and was lying there in bed, sliding into the morning when in rapid succession my mind through up first one set of negative thoughts, then another, and another. Each of them was work related, but they each were nothing I could do anything about at 4:00 AM. Then, to complicate the dance of the monkey mind, when I tried to let each issue rise up naturally, so it could be considered, I mentally jumped to another subject. It was a pretty fierce little mind dance to start the day.
I got up and meditated for a while, there in the morning darkness, until my mind settled a bit. Then, I padded around the dark apartment for a while, just stretching and being “present”, settling into the feel of my body as I walked. After I stilled a bit, I opened the patio door and stepped out onto the patio. I stood there for a couple of minutes and let the cool morning air totally embrace me. Somewhere in the distance a single bird was singing, softly.
Then, back into the apartment, into a hot shower. I came out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel, and then stood there in front of the mirror, shaving. I’ve switched over to shaving with a classic safety razor and, after some practice, I am getting pretty good at it. There is peace in the zen ritual of classic shaving - the hot towel, the shaving brush and lather, the smooth slide of the razor.
So, showered and shaved and in somewhat better condition, mentally. I started the day. Breakfast was a bowl of Special K and a cup of coffee. The commute in was smooth. In work my monkey mind continued it’s dance for a while, so I hit it with another 10 minutes of classic zen mediation, sitting and staring at the wall, sliding back into the moment.
I’ve started the weaving dance of meetings and teleconferences, so I am hoping to stay better centered in the moment as I go through the day. I’ve got a fairly full slate of meetings this morning, but a more settled afternoon. Lets see if I can make it through this without the continuation of the fierce little mind dance.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I Sit, Facing The Wall
It’s pretty amazing what ten minutes of meditation can do for you as you move through a chaotic day. I am at work, paused between meetings, and I took some time to go down to the more quiet of the two conference areas and sit comfortably, facing the wall, and breathe.
“Those who turn from delusion back to reality, who mediate on walls, the absence of self and other, the oneness of mortal and sage, and who remain unmoved even by scriptures are in complete and unspoken agreement with reason.” The Zen Teaching of Bodhidharma
If you have never had any experience with this particular exercise, I have always found it to be a very powerful one. You just find a wall, bare, unadorned, with nothing to distract the eye, and sit facing the wall and breathe. For me, it only takes a minute or two and I find myself residing in timeless stillness. Since I tend to do this particular exercise at work, I will often set a timer to pull me out of that timeless state so I can head back over to the office and get back to work, almost always much calmer, much more serene then I was before.
Today, I turned to the wall about three hours into the day, as the chaos of my calendar was starting to get me wrapped up. That would be the chaos of my completely self-imposed calendar, which bears only the value I place in it. The Second Noble Truth tells us that the root of all suffering is desire. At the root of my calendar based suffering resides the desire to maintain my habits, my internal schedule in the face of external demands. I release the desire for a different calendar and I release the suffering associated with the calendar and I return to reside in stillness.
Pretty powerful stuff.
Most of our chaos here at work is born in our post go-live activities, as the various groups of field personnel struggle to adjust to the changes that were implemented around them. We didn’t do a good job with change management, but we never do. Most folks don’t. (See, there again is the desire for a different outcome). The chaos today is caused by everyone trying to get something accomplished at the same time, resulting in chaotic demands on each other’s time.
Hence my earlier meditation on the calendar - I have a meeting scheduled from 11:30 AM to 12:30 PM, but at the same time, I have two other events competing for the time slot. I’ve already haad the experience this morning of having two meetings cancelled at zero hour because key participants were in other meetings and couldn’t make it, so, I am wondering if my 11:30 AM meeting is actually going to happen, or if it is going to get cancelled as well.
And then, I realize that the calendar is only what the calendar is. I sit, facing the wall, I breath, and I return to inner stillness.
Friday, May 3, 2013
One Hundred Things
Transformation and change carry their own set of challenges. Whenever I find myself in a period of transformation and change, I find there are things that I struggle with. That is not a bad thing - there are things we are supposed to struggle with as we go through life. I'd go so far as to say that who we are is defined in some of those struggles. With that said I find myself redefining as I near fifty three.
It's been a year so far. One of the main relationships in my life transformed, or rather completed a transformation, at the beginning of the year. It happened to coincide with the high chaos at work, but that might have been a good thing. The demands of work were a distraction, a trivial little game that I played to the hilt in order not to be overwhelmed by a sense of loss.
T.R. has slipped, gracefully, out of my daily life, as she had slipped gracefully in. We played at the game of separation for the better part of two years, that dance of together and away and together and away. Just writing that becomes one of those things, one of those things that I count among the hundred things.
At her request, for all the years we were together, I only wrote of her obliquely. She did not want her life exposed to the world, even in a venue as small as my little corner of the internet and that was okay with me, I understood it very well, seeing that at times I can be obsessively private. She is a creature of beauty and grace, an adornment in this world. Wherever her journey takes her I wish her all the best.
The arc of our relationship crossed what was, for me, a rich and fulfilling time. I have wondered a hundred times at where we slipped apart, I have my own observations, my own theories, as I am sure she has her's.
One of the journeys I went on with her was the journey into minimalism, the journey into zen. It was partly that journey that led me to love her with open hands. Whenever I felt myself grabbing, grasping, holding - I simply took a deep breath and opened my hands.
I've often quoted John-Rogers - we should allow other people the dignity of their journey. That is a pretty powerful statement. That is not an easy thing. But, within me, there is something that influences that, well more than one something. There are a hundred things. First is my abiding faith in God. Second is my belief in the great mystery of life. I don't think we are here to understand life. I think we are here to experience it, to live it, to see all the facets of the beautiful gem.
T.R., wherever you are, I am certain you are embracing life, like you always have. For the hundred things you taught me, I am forever grateful. When I look around me and I see the hundred things in my physical world you influenced, I am happy. When I go through the day and I practice or experience the hundred things we shared, I am happy. As the Teacher says - may all beings find happiness and be free from suffering.
And at the end of the day, I still love with those same open hands. I am still me, inside all the facets, among the one hundred things.
It's been a year so far. One of the main relationships in my life transformed, or rather completed a transformation, at the beginning of the year. It happened to coincide with the high chaos at work, but that might have been a good thing. The demands of work were a distraction, a trivial little game that I played to the hilt in order not to be overwhelmed by a sense of loss.
T.R. has slipped, gracefully, out of my daily life, as she had slipped gracefully in. We played at the game of separation for the better part of two years, that dance of together and away and together and away. Just writing that becomes one of those things, one of those things that I count among the hundred things.
At her request, for all the years we were together, I only wrote of her obliquely. She did not want her life exposed to the world, even in a venue as small as my little corner of the internet and that was okay with me, I understood it very well, seeing that at times I can be obsessively private. She is a creature of beauty and grace, an adornment in this world. Wherever her journey takes her I wish her all the best.
The arc of our relationship crossed what was, for me, a rich and fulfilling time. I have wondered a hundred times at where we slipped apart, I have my own observations, my own theories, as I am sure she has her's.
One of the journeys I went on with her was the journey into minimalism, the journey into zen. It was partly that journey that led me to love her with open hands. Whenever I felt myself grabbing, grasping, holding - I simply took a deep breath and opened my hands.
I've often quoted John-Rogers - we should allow other people the dignity of their journey. That is a pretty powerful statement. That is not an easy thing. But, within me, there is something that influences that, well more than one something. There are a hundred things. First is my abiding faith in God. Second is my belief in the great mystery of life. I don't think we are here to understand life. I think we are here to experience it, to live it, to see all the facets of the beautiful gem.
T.R., wherever you are, I am certain you are embracing life, like you always have. For the hundred things you taught me, I am forever grateful. When I look around me and I see the hundred things in my physical world you influenced, I am happy. When I go through the day and I practice or experience the hundred things we shared, I am happy. As the Teacher says - may all beings find happiness and be free from suffering.
And at the end of the day, I still love with those same open hands. I am still me, inside all the facets, among the one hundred things.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Just A Little About Seven Thirty
It is just a little after 7:30 PM on Monday night and I'm sitting here in the silence of the living room, listening to the sound of the keys clacking on the laptop keyboard. It is a very pleasant evening. My last several entries have been rather short and perfunctory, but I've been moving quickly through the days, mostly with an external focus.
Work is currently settled into what I would call the ordinary rhythm. We've got everything in configuration lock down and now we're just waiting for the go-live date, which is going to be at the end of April. That should be a mad weekend in it's own right. Right now, the main thing that is going on is the old game of catch-up as we try and make up for all the things that were set aside while we were so intently focused on project. That and I think everyone is probably breathing a sigh of relief and trying to settle into some ordinary working hours.
I have two days before I start my vacation, which is going to run from March 28th through April 14th, a little over two weeks. I am going to split my time on the vacation. Thursday I have a clear day off, with the intention of easing into the time off. Then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday I'm going down to Anaheim with Tony for Wondercon. I am looking forward to that trip and the chance to start the vacation on a strong foot. Monday I will be back up in San Jose (returning on Sunday night) and then on Tuesday I am going to fly back to South Dakota for 11 days, from the 2nd through the 13th, a Saturday. Sunday will be resting in San Jose, and then Monday the 15th back to work.
I am looking forward to the vacation and I am hoping I manage to get away clean. Most likely I am going to take my secure ID so I can log into my work email remotely, but that is more for peace of mind then anything else. I will definitely take my laptop because I am planning on spending some time writing and I am looking forward to that as well. Writing, reading, relaxing and getting some eyes on time with the folks.
South Dakota isn't without it's own share of drama. My step-dad is finally home from the hospital and seems to be doing fairly well. I've been calling him every day and talking to who ever is there. My nephew, who had the severe medical incident at Thanksgiving of 2012 is back in the hospital. He was checked in last night with internal bleeding (vomiting blood). He has instructed the hospital personnel not to share any information about him and not to let anyone contact him, which, though it is something I may not agree with, is his right as an adult. Who knows where that journey will end. (In one of the rare times I censor myself, I just deleted two sentences here - perhaps if the time is right, a little later, I might restore them.)
The turn of spring has me slightly melancholy, but, at the same time, the turn of spring always reminds us of the process of rebirth. This life is really an incredible journey and, in our own way, we are all on it. In the last several years I have spent a portion of time studying zen and, to my surprise, a lot of it has taken. When I look at all the stress that has been surrounding me, I characterize it in exactly that way - all the stress that is surrounding me. It is not stress that is within me - or rather, when it is within me, I recognize it and let it fall away. Amazing what happens to us in life.
My plan for the remainder of the night is - I am going to eat some chocolate (a rare indulgence), then I am going to watch "Bones" and from there, I am going to curl up and read a great little fantasy novel I started called "The Lies of Locke Lamorra". I am a couple of chapters in and I have to say it is simply a great little story so far. If the author can keep it up, he has quite a tale on his hands. I will write some more about the book a little later.
Work is currently settled into what I would call the ordinary rhythm. We've got everything in configuration lock down and now we're just waiting for the go-live date, which is going to be at the end of April. That should be a mad weekend in it's own right. Right now, the main thing that is going on is the old game of catch-up as we try and make up for all the things that were set aside while we were so intently focused on project. That and I think everyone is probably breathing a sigh of relief and trying to settle into some ordinary working hours.
I have two days before I start my vacation, which is going to run from March 28th through April 14th, a little over two weeks. I am going to split my time on the vacation. Thursday I have a clear day off, with the intention of easing into the time off. Then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday I'm going down to Anaheim with Tony for Wondercon. I am looking forward to that trip and the chance to start the vacation on a strong foot. Monday I will be back up in San Jose (returning on Sunday night) and then on Tuesday I am going to fly back to South Dakota for 11 days, from the 2nd through the 13th, a Saturday. Sunday will be resting in San Jose, and then Monday the 15th back to work.
I am looking forward to the vacation and I am hoping I manage to get away clean. Most likely I am going to take my secure ID so I can log into my work email remotely, but that is more for peace of mind then anything else. I will definitely take my laptop because I am planning on spending some time writing and I am looking forward to that as well. Writing, reading, relaxing and getting some eyes on time with the folks.
South Dakota isn't without it's own share of drama. My step-dad is finally home from the hospital and seems to be doing fairly well. I've been calling him every day and talking to who ever is there. My nephew, who had the severe medical incident at Thanksgiving of 2012 is back in the hospital. He was checked in last night with internal bleeding (vomiting blood). He has instructed the hospital personnel not to share any information about him and not to let anyone contact him, which, though it is something I may not agree with, is his right as an adult. Who knows where that journey will end. (In one of the rare times I censor myself, I just deleted two sentences here - perhaps if the time is right, a little later, I might restore them.)
The turn of spring has me slightly melancholy, but, at the same time, the turn of spring always reminds us of the process of rebirth. This life is really an incredible journey and, in our own way, we are all on it. In the last several years I have spent a portion of time studying zen and, to my surprise, a lot of it has taken. When I look at all the stress that has been surrounding me, I characterize it in exactly that way - all the stress that is surrounding me. It is not stress that is within me - or rather, when it is within me, I recognize it and let it fall away. Amazing what happens to us in life.
My plan for the remainder of the night is - I am going to eat some chocolate (a rare indulgence), then I am going to watch "Bones" and from there, I am going to curl up and read a great little fantasy novel I started called "The Lies of Locke Lamorra". I am a couple of chapters in and I have to say it is simply a great little story so far. If the author can keep it up, he has quite a tale on his hands. I will write some more about the book a little later.
Monday, March 4, 2013
I Contemplate Attachment
I was contemplating attachment today. Attachment is a sticky thing (bad pun intended). We attach ourselves to things, to objects, to conditions, without being conscious that the attachment is forming. One moment we are not attached. The next moment we are attached. In yet another moment we are no longer attached. It is a continual testimony to the transitory nature of life.
I’ve been wrestling with work attachment here in 2013. I really find myself torn. I enjoy my work (the substance of it), I enjoy my co-workers (with the rare exception). I even like the work I do in the greater strategic and metaphysical sense. I happen to have a very bad director, who may or may not be reflective of very bad VP’s above her. Inside of this world, I find myself measuring my attachment to my job. When I step back, when I take a deep breath, when I settle in I realize that I should not be attached to it. I realize that the attachments I have to it are very tenuous. But when I am in the moment, when I am right inside the hurly-burly of a working day I sure react as if I am attached. Physically, psychologically and emotionally I am attached and when those strings get pulled, I dance. It is almost involuntary. It is such a strange thing.
We’re currently going through our performance appraisal cycle and the company recently adopted a new process and that new process is pretty much a dismal failure, lacking transparency, furthering distrust, and serving to demotivate and divide employees.
I guess one of the things that always amazes me is how people can make such terrible mistakes. How they can start out with good intentions and then go so terribly awry. Our system has two components - absolute performance (did you attain your objectives, how did you get there, etc.) and relative performance (how did you perform against other employees is similar positions). It is the relative performance that they have so badly mangled. Process wise, the employees provide input on their absolute performance, which is them supplemented and bolstered by their manager. Then, the whole thing goes to the Director level for the directors to sit down and determine the relative performance factors. It is this later part that is entirely opaque to the individual contributor. We have no idea what goes into the decision, or how other people we are compared to are rated and why - we simply are told our rating. We don’t even know what the rating criteria is. It is an amazing disaster of a system.
Friday, January 25, 2013
I Dream of Stillness
There are days when I dream of stillness. Then I wake up and realize that I am the dream of stillness. In the quiet heart of each moment is a stillness as vast and powerful as the universe itself, containing all things, being all things.
It is a pretty amazing realization. Today, it came to me as a result of the general swirl of stress around me - so much of it is based on my expectations and desires for this or that outcome. When I set down those expectations and desires I find that core of peace inside of me. It is a good place to reside, in the simplicity of the moment.
I have a lot of things moving around me. The work project. The general work environment. Thoughts and concerns around career movement. My nephews illness. My step-dad's fall. My parents aging in general. My siblings lives. My Muse's journey. All of these things and yet, at the core of the them, they are pretty much beyond my ability to influence. They are going to unfold as they unfold. When these things start weighing too heavy on me, I return to the center - and breathe.
I had an intermittent day mostly - I lingered in bed this morning, reading. Breakfast was Goodies II with Tony. After that, I made a run through Target and picked up a handful of odds and ends that I needed. Home for a two hour planning teleconference. An easy afternoon watching a couple of musical programs off the DVR (Sade and Civil Wars Unplugged), then a rambling neighborhood walk, a simple dinner and episodes of Ancient Aliens and America Unearthed. An intermittent day, but a good day.
It is a pretty amazing realization. Today, it came to me as a result of the general swirl of stress around me - so much of it is based on my expectations and desires for this or that outcome. When I set down those expectations and desires I find that core of peace inside of me. It is a good place to reside, in the simplicity of the moment.
I have a lot of things moving around me. The work project. The general work environment. Thoughts and concerns around career movement. My nephews illness. My step-dad's fall. My parents aging in general. My siblings lives. My Muse's journey. All of these things and yet, at the core of the them, they are pretty much beyond my ability to influence. They are going to unfold as they unfold. When these things start weighing too heavy on me, I return to the center - and breathe.
I had an intermittent day mostly - I lingered in bed this morning, reading. Breakfast was Goodies II with Tony. After that, I made a run through Target and picked up a handful of odds and ends that I needed. Home for a two hour planning teleconference. An easy afternoon watching a couple of musical programs off the DVR (Sade and Civil Wars Unplugged), then a rambling neighborhood walk, a simple dinner and episodes of Ancient Aliens and America Unearthed. An intermittent day, but a good day.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
A Tangled Stream of Thoughts
Well, it has been a week. I thought I would pop online tonight and write a bit before I curled back up with "The King of Thorns". Most of the week has been eaten by work. We ran into a series of technical issues on Monday and spent Tuesday and Wednesday fighting our way around them. Combine that with a little of the ongoing family drama and suddenly it is Thursday. T.R. is off to Charleston, which is exciting, since she has dreamed of relocating there for quite a while - actually, as long as I have known her. When someone actually chases their dream, its a pretty amazing thing. I've got a thousand thoughts swirling around in my head, about a thousand different things, but I am not yet in the space where I want to write about them. I could, but given the pace of the week, I think most anything I wrote would end up slipping back into a discussion about work. Work is kind of all consuming right now and probably will be until we get through February and into March. Then it will just be consumed in a different direction. So, consider this entry as an IOU to write about - some of the work stuff that went awry, some the ongoing family drama, my excitement about T.R.'s trip, some zen thoughts I've had lately - and then whatever else pops into my poor little brain. I hope you're having a good day, whoever you are and wherever you are.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Chasing The Last Hour of The Day
I am chasing the last hour of the day. It was a long one. I started at 4:30 AM with email review and then basically moved from meeting to meeting through the day, with a pause for a department luncheon, then back to meetings. All in all, twelve long hours in the day.
I stopped for a burrito on the way home, then unwound by cleaning the kitchen sink and the bathroom sink. I think I needed the zen flow of it. I watched a pair of sitcoms off the DVR and then basically decided I was finished for the day. I am going to head for bed shortly, curl up with a book, and probably manage to last an hour or two, if I am lucky.
I stopped for a burrito on the way home, then unwound by cleaning the kitchen sink and the bathroom sink. I think I needed the zen flow of it. I watched a pair of sitcoms off the DVR and then basically decided I was finished for the day. I am going to head for bed shortly, curl up with a book, and probably manage to last an hour or two, if I am lucky.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Zen at Work
I put my zen training to work today. Specifically, I used the technique I learned from Thich Nhat Hanh's book. When I was walking and found my brain running at a hundred miles an hour, I stopped, I looked around me, I breathed, and then I focused on simply walking and breathing. It worked very well and pulled me down a couple of notches a couple of times.
I am two days into the UAT on my portion of the project (this would be the UAT that I pulled out of my butt on four days notice) and things are moving rapidly forward, with good feedback from the users and most importantly, no major findings yet. There have been a couple of minor configuration issues that we'll take a look into as we go along, but other that the very long days, things have been going well.
I am settled in for an hour or so of relaxation and then I am going to curl up and spend a little time reading. One advantage of the high work load is it keeps my mind off the tangles of my personal life. I will of course work my way through them too, but for now, they are pushed aside. That ability to focus on the immediate and the external has stood me well over the years.
So, let me leave you with a snippet of the song running through my brain tonight...
It's one I've mentioned before, from John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band (on Eddie and the Cruisers):
Tender Years
When the moon hung soft and low
Catching stardust in the light
You held me closer and closer
There was magic in the night.
A sweet love song, a melody
That I still can recall
Two young hearts filled with dreams
To walk away with it all.
Whoa, whoa tender years
Won't you wash away my tears
How I wish you were near
Please don't go, tender years.
A summer love, a beach romance
Sought her kisses in the sand
Two young hearts filled with fire
Lost in never-neverland.
Whoa, whoa tender years
Won't you wash away my tears
How I wish you were near
Please don't go, tender years.
Whoa, whoa tender years
Won't you wash away my tears
How I wish you were near
Please don't go, tender years.
Whoa, whoa tender years
Won't you wash away my tears
How I wish you were near
Please don't go, tender years.
I am two days into the UAT on my portion of the project (this would be the UAT that I pulled out of my butt on four days notice) and things are moving rapidly forward, with good feedback from the users and most importantly, no major findings yet. There have been a couple of minor configuration issues that we'll take a look into as we go along, but other that the very long days, things have been going well.
I am settled in for an hour or so of relaxation and then I am going to curl up and spend a little time reading. One advantage of the high work load is it keeps my mind off the tangles of my personal life. I will of course work my way through them too, but for now, they are pushed aside. That ability to focus on the immediate and the external has stood me well over the years.
So, let me leave you with a snippet of the song running through my brain tonight...
It's one I've mentioned before, from John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band (on Eddie and the Cruisers):
Tender Years
When the moon hung soft and low
Catching stardust in the light
You held me closer and closer
There was magic in the night.
A sweet love song, a melody
That I still can recall
Two young hearts filled with dreams
To walk away with it all.
Whoa, whoa tender years
Won't you wash away my tears
How I wish you were near
Please don't go, tender years.
A summer love, a beach romance
Sought her kisses in the sand
Two young hearts filled with fire
Lost in never-neverland.
Whoa, whoa tender years
Won't you wash away my tears
How I wish you were near
Please don't go, tender years.
Whoa, whoa tender years
Won't you wash away my tears
How I wish you were near
Please don't go, tender years.
Whoa, whoa tender years
Won't you wash away my tears
How I wish you were near
Please don't go, tender years.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Wild Flower
I am looking forward to, hopefully, a quiet evening at home. Yesterday turned into a 12 hour work day where I really didn't accomplish much of anything - other then a lot of time spent in meetings. Today was a little more productive, but over all I have been losing ground at work. Its...amusing. My being psychologically divorced from the outcome has given me quite a bit of relief, though it really doesn't change the workload.
Otherwise, today is Day Nine, and my monkey-mind was whirling with a vengeance last night. I woke at about 2:00 AM with a thousand thoughts, so I had to lay there in the darkness, acknowledge them, contemplate them, and then release them.
All told, the process took about an hour and a half. At the end of it I managed to eek out another two hours of sleep. Ah, the paths our minds dash up and down is pretty amazing.
Now, off to my one remaining meeting...
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