More Melancholy Seas

The undercurrent of the day was a very powerful strain of melancholy, processing feelings of loss, sorting through things.  Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I need to do a hard session of self-examination, but I just have not been up to it. I took the feelings of loss that arose today and dealt with each as it arose.  It the morning it was a bit of a tempest, a bit unexpected, out of control, powerful and tough to deal with.  As I moved through the day I settled into it and it just was what it was.

I had a nice lunch with Tony at Patxi's in the Pruneyard, then we popped over the AMC 14 and watched "The Iceman", starring Michael Shannon.  That was an excellent movie - some powerful performances by the lead actors - Michael Shannon, Winona Ryder, Chris Evans and Ray Liotta.  I'd recommend it if you're into true crime stories.  (And, for the record, Winona Ryder just radiates sensuality).

Then, home for the evening and the latest episode of Game of Thrones, followed by a long, hot soaking bath and a shower, then a few minutes contemplating what to do next before I decided to write a bit, then curl up and read a chapter or two in Leviathan Awakes.

Wild Flower

This is a small wild flower that was growing alongside a fence near the deli were I went for lunch today. I loved the simple, wild, beauty. It's been a chaotic work week so far, with 19 meetings in the last three days and one more to go to wrap up the day. I'm fried to put it lightly.

I am looking forward to, hopefully, a quiet evening at home. Yesterday turned into a 12 hour work day where I really didn't accomplish much of anything - other then a lot of time spent in meetings. Today was a little more productive, but over all I have been losing ground at work. Its...amusing. My being psychologically divorced from the outcome has given me quite a bit of relief, though it really doesn't change the workload.

Otherwise, today is Day Nine, and my monkey-mind was whirling with a vengeance last night. I woke at about 2:00 AM with a thousand thoughts, so I had to lay there in the darkness, acknowledge them, contemplate them, and then release them.

All told, the process took about an hour and a half. At the end of it I managed to eek out another two hours of sleep. Ah, the paths our minds dash up and down is pretty amazing.

Now, off to my one remaining meeting...
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A Rougher Than Expected Day

Well, today at work they announced the reorganization.  It was emotionally a rougher day then I expected it to be. I am going to spend part of the next couple of weeks working my way through the process of grieving, the typical stages of mourning and loss. Change can be difficult. I will write more about it later, but for now, I am glad the day is done. Perhaps I will be able to accomplish something tomorrow. Perhaps not.

The Strange Currents Of October

Fall is often an introspective time of year. I know I feel that way and I know that many of the people I talk with feel that way. There is something in the season - perhaps the eternal influence of the end of summer, perhaps some shift in body chemistry as we prepare for the coming winter, perhaps something cultural that is deeply ingrained.

Personally, on top of the introspection of fall, I layer a profound sense of loss on top of the month of October. October is a time frame in which I often find myself contemplating the loss and memory.

Principle among those losses was the death of my father and my grandfather separated by only a few short weeks in an October many years ago. My father died of cancer and my grandfather of a heart attack. My father was 54 and my grandfather was 84 (it was my mother's father, my father's father, my other grandfather, died when I was very young, at Christmas, also of a heart attack).

I could list other losses and incidents of loss that stacked up in the month of October, but I won't. Suffice it to say that it a time of contemplating life and death for me, both on the personal level and on the wider cultural level, with Halloween (All Souls Eve and All Saints Day).

That combination has some strange effects on me. First, it does make me emotionally sensitive to all kinds of loss. It means that sometimes, with little or no warning, with minimal triggers, I can easily spin into a deep and dark mood. At the same time a greater sensitivity to the fragility and eternity and beauty of life itself rises up in me.

It is a season of strange currents. It is a season of simplicity and beauty and grace and sadness and joy and memory. It is drawing to a close as we slip into the final week of October. I know from many years prior that I will rapidly slip out of October and slide into winter, which in California means rain and rain and a little more rain with some extra rain in case you weren't watching.

Winter is also a season of long slow rainy days spent curled up with a good book or watching a classic movie (or a new one). Winter is the season of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Winter is the season of driving to the Sierra Nevada's to see the snow. Winter is the season of going to the coast to watch the wild storms crashing into the shore. Winter is the season of a long mountain hike in rain drenched redwoods, where you reach the far point of the hike and realize you are soaking wet and have several miles to go to get back and wonder what the hell you were thinking? Winter is the season of a lazy weekend day spend sitting in a mirror staring at a painting for hours.

So, for all the strange currents of fall, for all the moods and memories of October, I love this time of year. It has a certain quiet hushed vibrancy, as if just under the currents it was thrumming with life. It seems at times I can hear the heartbeat of fall, soft, somber, and powerful. For all its moods, I love these strange currents.