Okay, I have a very modern question that was the trigger point of my melancholy last night. In this very modern world, when a couple separates, who gets the social media spaces? I wonder if that has already been through the wringing in the courts yet? I am only half joking - but it is a lot like, when you are a couple and you have a favorite cafe, lounge, or restaurant, and you separate there is real consideration that goes into the decision of who gets to keep what.
I realize of course that social media spaces are big, massive, public spaces and sharing them is the wisest course of action, but, for me at least, there is an element of emotionality that got tangled up in them. A significant part of our relationship was some very wonderful shared time in social media spaces, so when I revisit these places - there are definitely pangs of loss.
In the aftermath of our separation I deliberately stayed out of almost all social media spaces (this being the main exception) for precisely that reason. I wanted and needed to give myself time to clear my head and my heart. Our relationship had it's back and forth before, it's moments of separation and imminent breakup that we survived.
This one was different, in both form and function, but I think that inside of me a large part of me simply didn't want to accept that she had made the decision to move on without me. I respect of it of course. On many levels I actually encourage it. I think one of the rare things in this world is something I have always tried to give to the people I love - the encourage to "follow their bliss" wherever it might take them. That includes the very hard choices that have to be made when a friend and a lover starts moving away from you.
Here is my philosophy around that in a nutshell: I think that life is a wonderful journey, from one place to another, that begins in birth and ends in death and in between runs an incredible gauntlet of human experience, all the thousands of things we will live and learn as we go on that journey. There are hundreds of conflicting forces that move to influence us as we take that trip. They push us this way and that, they stop us, they start us, they stall us. They make life both harder and easier.
Many people in the course of their journey stop and cling, they want to stay, they want things to remain unchanged, they want a constancy that is simply not there in our ever changing universe. I include myself in that count. In our lives it is very rare to find a person who encourages us, who loves the journey and encourages us to take it. I always try to give that encouragement to my friends and lovers. Our relationship was complicated but it had its moments of purity. One of the greatest gifts you can give to a person is simply this - encourage them to take their journey. Even when that journey takes them away from you, don't cling. Love with an open heart. Love with an open hand.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
One Hundred Things
Transformation and change carry their own set of challenges. Whenever I find myself in a period of transformation and change, I find there are things that I struggle with. That is not a bad thing - there are things we are supposed to struggle with as we go through life. I'd go so far as to say that who we are is defined in some of those struggles. With that said I find myself redefining as I near fifty three.
It's been a year so far. One of the main relationships in my life transformed, or rather completed a transformation, at the beginning of the year. It happened to coincide with the high chaos at work, but that might have been a good thing. The demands of work were a distraction, a trivial little game that I played to the hilt in order not to be overwhelmed by a sense of loss.
T.R. has slipped, gracefully, out of my daily life, as she had slipped gracefully in. We played at the game of separation for the better part of two years, that dance of together and away and together and away. Just writing that becomes one of those things, one of those things that I count among the hundred things.
At her request, for all the years we were together, I only wrote of her obliquely. She did not want her life exposed to the world, even in a venue as small as my little corner of the internet and that was okay with me, I understood it very well, seeing that at times I can be obsessively private. She is a creature of beauty and grace, an adornment in this world. Wherever her journey takes her I wish her all the best.
The arc of our relationship crossed what was, for me, a rich and fulfilling time. I have wondered a hundred times at where we slipped apart, I have my own observations, my own theories, as I am sure she has her's.
One of the journeys I went on with her was the journey into minimalism, the journey into zen. It was partly that journey that led me to love her with open hands. Whenever I felt myself grabbing, grasping, holding - I simply took a deep breath and opened my hands.
I've often quoted John-Rogers - we should allow other people the dignity of their journey. That is a pretty powerful statement. That is not an easy thing. But, within me, there is something that influences that, well more than one something. There are a hundred things. First is my abiding faith in God. Second is my belief in the great mystery of life. I don't think we are here to understand life. I think we are here to experience it, to live it, to see all the facets of the beautiful gem.
T.R., wherever you are, I am certain you are embracing life, like you always have. For the hundred things you taught me, I am forever grateful. When I look around me and I see the hundred things in my physical world you influenced, I am happy. When I go through the day and I practice or experience the hundred things we shared, I am happy. As the Teacher says - may all beings find happiness and be free from suffering.
And at the end of the day, I still love with those same open hands. I am still me, inside all the facets, among the one hundred things.
It's been a year so far. One of the main relationships in my life transformed, or rather completed a transformation, at the beginning of the year. It happened to coincide with the high chaos at work, but that might have been a good thing. The demands of work were a distraction, a trivial little game that I played to the hilt in order not to be overwhelmed by a sense of loss.
T.R. has slipped, gracefully, out of my daily life, as she had slipped gracefully in. We played at the game of separation for the better part of two years, that dance of together and away and together and away. Just writing that becomes one of those things, one of those things that I count among the hundred things.
At her request, for all the years we were together, I only wrote of her obliquely. She did not want her life exposed to the world, even in a venue as small as my little corner of the internet and that was okay with me, I understood it very well, seeing that at times I can be obsessively private. She is a creature of beauty and grace, an adornment in this world. Wherever her journey takes her I wish her all the best.
The arc of our relationship crossed what was, for me, a rich and fulfilling time. I have wondered a hundred times at where we slipped apart, I have my own observations, my own theories, as I am sure she has her's.
One of the journeys I went on with her was the journey into minimalism, the journey into zen. It was partly that journey that led me to love her with open hands. Whenever I felt myself grabbing, grasping, holding - I simply took a deep breath and opened my hands.
I've often quoted John-Rogers - we should allow other people the dignity of their journey. That is a pretty powerful statement. That is not an easy thing. But, within me, there is something that influences that, well more than one something. There are a hundred things. First is my abiding faith in God. Second is my belief in the great mystery of life. I don't think we are here to understand life. I think we are here to experience it, to live it, to see all the facets of the beautiful gem.
T.R., wherever you are, I am certain you are embracing life, like you always have. For the hundred things you taught me, I am forever grateful. When I look around me and I see the hundred things in my physical world you influenced, I am happy. When I go through the day and I practice or experience the hundred things we shared, I am happy. As the Teacher says - may all beings find happiness and be free from suffering.
And at the end of the day, I still love with those same open hands. I am still me, inside all the facets, among the one hundred things.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Blue As Ice and Desire
A few minutes past noon. I am sitting in my spare bedroom/office, listing to Blondie sing "Maria" over the rain outside. It is a beautiful, rainy, cool California day. I met Tony and Ty for breakfast, stopped at Radio Shack on an errand, and then came home to attend a brief coordination meeting to get my arms around what I needed to focus on for the week ahead.
Other than that though, I am not planning on doing an work today. I am going to mainly just relax and let my brain recover. I think I am going to head out and catch a movie this afternoon, or maybe head over to the pool hall to shoot a couple of games. On the other hand, on a day like today, it is an almost perfect day for just hanging around the apartment and not doing anything.
Music is an amazing thing, with it's ability to transport us to another time, another place, another state of mine with a few bars. I started out today listening to Eddie and the Cruisers (John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band) and that has landed me in a seemingly endless queue of sixties and seventies music on YouTube. That is a dangerous place to be on a day like today. Definitely going to hurl me into a nostalgic mood. (Right now I am listening to Abba "The Winner Takes It All".
"The judges will decide, the likes of me abide..."
I am not sure I could define the mood I am in today. Physically I am feeling very well. Emotionally I am, mostly centered and introspective. Work has been obsessive lately, but I know that will eventually pass. In my heart there is silence where a voice should be. (I like that, that is a good line, I might have to set it aside and do something with it, incorporate it into a poem or a song.)
Sometimes it is strange the things our friends and our lovers bind us too. Promises extracted. Promises given. For some people, a promise is a binding thing. For years I've always spoken obliquely about my personal relationships, not because I am concealing anything but because, early on, when I told her about my blog, when she first read it, she asked me not to write about her, since she was very uncomfortable with any aspect of her personal life on the web. I've always honored that request, and even now I am writing obliquely about her. Are we bound by the promises made in one aspect of a relationship when that relationship changes? I think we are, I think I am.
Well, where ever you are, who ever you are, I hope this day has found you well, content, perhaps even happy. Always remember - the judges will decide, the likes of me abide...
Other than that though, I am not planning on doing an work today. I am going to mainly just relax and let my brain recover. I think I am going to head out and catch a movie this afternoon, or maybe head over to the pool hall to shoot a couple of games. On the other hand, on a day like today, it is an almost perfect day for just hanging around the apartment and not doing anything.
Music is an amazing thing, with it's ability to transport us to another time, another place, another state of mine with a few bars. I started out today listening to Eddie and the Cruisers (John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band) and that has landed me in a seemingly endless queue of sixties and seventies music on YouTube. That is a dangerous place to be on a day like today. Definitely going to hurl me into a nostalgic mood. (Right now I am listening to Abba "The Winner Takes It All".
"The judges will decide, the likes of me abide..."
I am not sure I could define the mood I am in today. Physically I am feeling very well. Emotionally I am, mostly centered and introspective. Work has been obsessive lately, but I know that will eventually pass. In my heart there is silence where a voice should be. (I like that, that is a good line, I might have to set it aside and do something with it, incorporate it into a poem or a song.)
Sometimes it is strange the things our friends and our lovers bind us too. Promises extracted. Promises given. For some people, a promise is a binding thing. For years I've always spoken obliquely about my personal relationships, not because I am concealing anything but because, early on, when I told her about my blog, when she first read it, she asked me not to write about her, since she was very uncomfortable with any aspect of her personal life on the web. I've always honored that request, and even now I am writing obliquely about her. Are we bound by the promises made in one aspect of a relationship when that relationship changes? I think we are, I think I am.
Well, where ever you are, who ever you are, I hope this day has found you well, content, perhaps even happy. Always remember - the judges will decide, the likes of me abide...
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Cities of the Plain
What a day.
I went to bed a little early last night, read a bit, and was sound asleep by about 8:30 PM. Consequently, I woke up and rolled out of bed, showered, and was working by about 4:00 AM. It was a frustrating day - I was trying to work my way through my e-mail backlog, but I only made a bit of head way. It seemed that every time I managed to work one piece out, two more arrived. By the end of the day, I was tired and frustrated.
There was a bright spot in the day, they had a masseur in giving neck and shoulder massages, so I managed to get a massage later in the day. All in all though, it was a lost cause of a day and a lost cause of a week, as far as project progress is concerned. Tomorrow is a new day, so I get to do it all over again.
After work, I came home and took a short nap, then picked up Tony at the airport, returning from his vacation in Arizona and Minnesota, and we stopped at the Hickory Pit for dinner, then I dropped him off at his apartment. We watched a bit of the VP debate on the TV at the restaurant and then I watched the wrap on the television. I am sure there will be plenty of analysis about who did what to who when and where tomorrow.
It's Day Ten and I didn't really battle the monkey-mind today, though that was mostly due to being overwhelmed in the office and wrestling with my work related monkey-mind, which was threatening to run out of control. The trip to the airport to pick up Tony was a good distraction as well.
My plan for the evening is to curl up in bed and read a bit, then hopefully get a good nights sleep. I started reading "Cities of the Plain", but it is going to take me a while to get into it, so I might turn to one of my science fiction magazines to read a short story or two. Of course, there is a good possibility that once I hit the bed I am going to be five minutes from sleep. I will let you know how that turns out in the morning.
I went to bed a little early last night, read a bit, and was sound asleep by about 8:30 PM. Consequently, I woke up and rolled out of bed, showered, and was working by about 4:00 AM. It was a frustrating day - I was trying to work my way through my e-mail backlog, but I only made a bit of head way. It seemed that every time I managed to work one piece out, two more arrived. By the end of the day, I was tired and frustrated.
There was a bright spot in the day, they had a masseur in giving neck and shoulder massages, so I managed to get a massage later in the day. All in all though, it was a lost cause of a day and a lost cause of a week, as far as project progress is concerned. Tomorrow is a new day, so I get to do it all over again.
After work, I came home and took a short nap, then picked up Tony at the airport, returning from his vacation in Arizona and Minnesota, and we stopped at the Hickory Pit for dinner, then I dropped him off at his apartment. We watched a bit of the VP debate on the TV at the restaurant and then I watched the wrap on the television. I am sure there will be plenty of analysis about who did what to who when and where tomorrow.
It's Day Ten and I didn't really battle the monkey-mind today, though that was mostly due to being overwhelmed in the office and wrestling with my work related monkey-mind, which was threatening to run out of control. The trip to the airport to pick up Tony was a good distraction as well.
My plan for the evening is to curl up in bed and read a bit, then hopefully get a good nights sleep. I started reading "Cities of the Plain", but it is going to take me a while to get into it, so I might turn to one of my science fiction magazines to read a short story or two. Of course, there is a good possibility that once I hit the bed I am going to be five minutes from sleep. I will let you know how that turns out in the morning.
Monday, October 8, 2012
As Smoothly As I Can
I am settling into a quiet night here at home. The plan, if it counts as one, is to watch an episode of "Bones", and then maybe something else. Another program on the TV or DVR, perhaps some more reading in Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine.
On the emotional front, my emotions continue to crash up and down as I try move gradually toward some closure. Closure is never an easy thing - communication helps - but when relationships stutter, stumble, and fall, often effective communication ends and closure becomes more difficult, in large part due to the unanswered questions.
So, even as we move toward closure I am trying to keep the lines of communication open, at least from my side, in part to help her through it, if she needs it, and in part to help me through it. Each cycle of communication we have, as we move forward, does bring me closure and for that I am thankful.
The practice of zen non-attachment helps, each day, as I move through the day. It helps to pull me back into the moment and focus me, which is what I need. I have a lot of distance to cover I think, but I have the time to cover it.
Work continues to be problematic, today was definitely a Monday, and I've got way too many things moving in way to many directions. The strangeness of the whole thing is - when it rains it pours. Sometimes I think stress moves through the universe in unseen waves, washing over us, ebbing and rising according to some unknown tidal schedule. Tonight, I am going to let it ebb and move into the evening as smoothly as I can.
On the emotional front, my emotions continue to crash up and down as I try move gradually toward some closure. Closure is never an easy thing - communication helps - but when relationships stutter, stumble, and fall, often effective communication ends and closure becomes more difficult, in large part due to the unanswered questions.
So, even as we move toward closure I am trying to keep the lines of communication open, at least from my side, in part to help her through it, if she needs it, and in part to help me through it. Each cycle of communication we have, as we move forward, does bring me closure and for that I am thankful.
The practice of zen non-attachment helps, each day, as I move through the day. It helps to pull me back into the moment and focus me, which is what I need. I have a lot of distance to cover I think, but I have the time to cover it.
Work continues to be problematic, today was definitely a Monday, and I've got way too many things moving in way to many directions. The strangeness of the whole thing is - when it rains it pours. Sometimes I think stress moves through the universe in unseen waves, washing over us, ebbing and rising according to some unknown tidal schedule. Tonight, I am going to let it ebb and move into the evening as smoothly as I can.
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