The Days Have Passed

I just noticed that it has been a while since I have written.  All things considered that is understandable.  The days have passed - they have been busy with the post-death activities and trying to catch up with work activities.

I pretty much spent the last weekend in a semi-coma, catching up on sleep and being generally exhausted.  This week (as far as Tuesday has gotten) has been pretty ordinary and in general things will swing back toward an ordinary rhythm in the coming weeks.  I am scattered and behind at work, so there is a lot of catch-up to do there.  There's also a lot of incidental bureaucratic BS that I have to plow through in the working environment and sometimes I am having trouble staying focused.

I think that I should be in better shape at the end of the week.  I am not sure if I'll get caught up on things at work, but I keep plowing ahead there.  So, this turned into a short entry, but that's okay.

Exhaustion

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted right now.  Fortunately, I've got a three day weekend ahead of me, so I am looking forward to some serious recovery time.  I need to just get off the grid and sleep, eat, stare at the wall, listen to music, and wander in the forest for a while. I need several nights of good sleep and the opportunity to pivot back to my normal sleep schedule, which has been wholly disrupted the last months/weeks as we went through the dying process with my friend.

Anyone who has been through that process knows how exhausting it can be, between the emotional and physical requirements, it is one tough road.  The road is done though. In the aftermath of such events you're glad that your friend is no longer suffering. There is a sense of relief - relief in that their suffering is over and relief that the particular journey, for everyone involved is over.

Mainly, I just need to curl up and sleep, so I am heading off work to do that in exactly eighteen minutes.  (LOL even in a state of exhaustion I am still borderline OCD and need to stop work at the top or bottom of the hour.)

I've been avoiding work meetings today and avoiding commenting when I am in those meetings because I know that the filter between what I am thinking and what I will say is, at this point, badly damaged. I did manage to get some work done, but I have fallen behind on other projects, so there is a lot of stuff that has been simply stacking up. 

I also know, from prior experience, that when I am in this state of exhaustion I am prone to react disproportionately to things.  Things that would normally roll off my back - won't.  Things that would normally not bother me - do. It's kind of a dangerous place to be.

Over the years I have seen the damage that families can do to each other as they go through the dying and grieving process, so I have been sensitive to that.  There is still some damage being done in his family, but that is a burden I can't bear for them.  Once the dust settles I can counsel them toward forgiveness and reconciliation, but that is about all I can do.  I'm sure I will write more about it in the coming days, because wherever you go through this process there are always lessons learned - both general lessons on dying and specific lessons on the things that are done or undone that could have been handled better.

Meanwhile through, the foggy tendrils of exhaustion are firmly rooted in my brain. So, I will get some sleep, and then when I wake up I think I am going to order a pizza.  My end of the work-week ritual is usually pizza and a movie off TV or the DVR, so as part of getting back to normal, that's my plan tonight, after my nap.  That is assuming that my nap doesn't turn into "to heck with it, I'm going to sleep for sixteen hours straight."  There is about a 50/50 shot of that.

On Life, On Death

On Sunday my friend Bob passed away after a two and a half year battle with cancer.  He died at home, with his daughter, myself and my nephew present.  He passed away quickly and died in his sleep, resting peacefully.  As such, it was a good death.  I am heartbroken and will miss him dearly.  He was among the first of my California friends when I moved here thirty plus years ago and I've known his daughter all her life, from the time she was an infant in arms.  He is survived by his daughter and his grandson.

My mind is a swirl of things, which is normal after someone I love has passed away. I am sure they'll start to sort themselves out.  Since he was released into hospice about ten days ago it has been a flurry of activity as we rotated sitting with him, taking care of him, and just being there for him.  They were long days with little sleep.  Last night was the first truly good night's sleep I've gotten for quite a while and the first day I feel more like myself. 

There are other things going on in life right now, but they are all minor compared to Bob's dying and death.  Soon enough I will settle back into the normal flow of life. Soon enough.  Meanwhile, my dear friend has pierced the veil and now knows the great mystery.  I am sure he is embracing it fully. Here, behind him, life will simply go on.  That is what life does.

Just A Little About Seven Thirty

It is just a little after 7:30 PM on Monday night and I'm sitting here in the silence of the living room, listening to the sound of the keys clacking on the laptop keyboard. It is a very pleasant evening.  My last several entries have been rather short and perfunctory, but I've been moving quickly through the days, mostly with an external focus.

Work is currently settled into what I would call the ordinary rhythm.  We've got everything in configuration lock down and now we're just waiting for the go-live date, which is going to be at the end of April.  That should be a mad weekend in it's own right. Right now, the main thing that is going on is the old game of catch-up as we try and make up for all the things that were set aside while we were so intently focused on project. That and I think everyone is probably breathing a sigh of relief and trying to settle into some ordinary working hours.

I have two days before I start my vacation, which is going to run from March 28th through April 14th, a little over two weeks.  I am going to split my time on the vacation.  Thursday I have a clear day off, with the intention of easing into the time off. Then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday I'm going down to Anaheim with Tony for Wondercon. I am looking forward to that trip and the chance to start the vacation on a strong foot.  Monday I will be back up in San Jose (returning on Sunday night) and then on Tuesday I am going to fly back to South Dakota for 11 days, from the 2nd through the 13th, a Saturday.  Sunday will be resting in San Jose, and then Monday the 15th back to work.

I am looking forward to the vacation and I am hoping I manage to get away clean.  Most likely I am going to take my secure ID so I can log into my work email remotely, but that is more for peace of  mind then anything else. I will definitely take my laptop because I am planning on spending some time writing and I am looking forward to that as well. Writing, reading, relaxing and getting some eyes on time with the folks.

South Dakota isn't without it's own share of drama.  My step-dad is finally home from the hospital and seems to be doing fairly well.  I've been calling him every day and talking to who ever is there.  My nephew, who had the severe medical incident at Thanksgiving of 2012 is back in the hospital.  He was checked in last night with internal bleeding (vomiting blood).  He has instructed the hospital personnel not to share any information about him and not to let anyone contact him, which, though it is something I may not agree with, is his right as an adult.  Who knows where that journey will end.  (In one of the rare times I censor myself, I just deleted two sentences here - perhaps if the time is right, a little later, I might restore them.)

The turn of spring has me slightly melancholy, but, at the same time, the turn of spring always reminds us of the process of rebirth. This life is really an incredible journey and, in our own way, we are all on it.  In the last several years I have spent a portion of time studying zen and, to my surprise, a lot of it has taken.  When I look at all the stress that has been surrounding me, I characterize it in exactly that way - all the stress that is surrounding me. It is not stress that is within me - or rather, when it is within me, I recognize it and let it fall away.  Amazing what happens to us in life.

My plan for the remainder of the night is - I am going to eat some chocolate (a rare indulgence), then I am going to watch "Bones" and from there, I am going to curl up and read a great little fantasy novel I started called "The Lies of Locke Lamorra".  I am a couple of chapters in and I have to say it is simply a great little story so far. If the author can keep it up, he has quite a tale on his hands.  I will write some more about the book a little later.

Thoughts on Death

I’ve had cause over the last year or so to think on questions of our mortality, questions of life and death. I don’t have any answers, certainly no magic answers. Pretty much all I have are a lot of questions, a few observations, and the abiding power of my faith. Ultimately such answers are very intimate and may not be relevant to other people at all. But, perhaps, they can serve as a point of inspiration or a moment of reflection or a spark for contemplation, so I thought I would write them down today.

Many of my friends (myself included) are dealing with questions of mortality as they relate to aging parents. My father died 26 years ago and his death remains, for me, one of the defining sources of my experiences with natural death, regardless of how short the span of his life might have been. (He was only a few years older than I am now when he died, meaning he was, relatively, a young man.)

Recently, someone very dear to me experienced that journey, the journey that ends in the death of a beloved parent. My heart is filled with love and concern, with hoped for grace and faith and all those other things that are the brighter side of death, the whole scope of the natural journey that begins with birth and proceeds, inexorably, to the end of this life. That journey and the lives that populated that journey is not my story to tell, so I only mention it in the barest of details.

My prayers, my thoughts, my meditations, my contemplations – they’ve all been turned in that direction. It is a journey we all take, or have taken, in one form or another. Contemplating such things is not a negative in anyway. I would go so far as to say, in general, as a society, we here in America don’t give death it’s due. Too often both the death and the process of dying get shunted aside and removed from view.

We, as a society, are very much a society of life. Death is a feared and ignored specter we prefer to relegate to the horror movie genre, or popcorn films where it is always dramatic. Death is, in itself, a very simple thing – it is a step on an eternal journey. For me, as a matter of faith, death is a great reunion with our true family, with God, with the great Mystery that is. In that manner, it is not something to be dreaded or feared or shunted aside. It is simply a step on this glorious journey of life.

So, for my beloved and for her loss, I would simply like to write down a quote from St. Paul that I always think of when it comes to death and dying and what lies beyond and to express my sincerest and deepest condolences.

“For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but I shall know, even as I am also known.” (1 Corinthians 12)

We dream, we imagine, we hope for and we pray for the Grace of God. For those we loved who have died, they know. It is a small comfort in the night of our grieving, but a vast comfort in the lives in we live.

Sometimes We Need To Get A Sandwich...

Well, it is the day before Christmas.

It is very quiet here at work. I got one email this morning, from a customer, thanking me for a piece of work I did yesterday.

The phone has rung three times.

I read the entire San Jose Mercury News from front page to back page.

I am going to head out and get something for lunch in a few moments and maybe when I come back I might actually have a coherent thought or two to share.

But it is one of those days where coherent thoughts are optional.

I spoke with my step-father today. My aunt Marie passed away after being removed from life support. The funeral will be in Rapid City, SD on Monday, December 29th. A tough row for her family, but Aunt Marie never regained consciousness following her accident.

A little later in the day I might take the time to write about her and my memories of her and her family.

But, for now, I think I am going to go out and get a sandwich. Life and death are like that. They are always flowing. And sometimes we need to go get a
sandwich.