Meditations After A Hot Evening

We had a hot day here in this part of California yesterday and the heat carried into the night.  I got, maybe, four or five hours of sleep, well after midnight.  Up until then, I tossed and turned in the heat, even with the windows open and the fans running. It is the still hour before dawn right now and the apartment has finally cooled down to about seventy-two degrees.  I don't think today is supposed to be as hot as yesterday was, so I am hoping for a better night.

I did something I haven't done last evening - I spent three or four hours writing. I enjoy writing but I simply haven't done enough of it in the last couple of months, perhaps in the last couple of years, so last night had its own pleasures, the pleasures of creation. Now, today, I will re-read what I wrote last night and I might find that it is not particularly good, but that really doesn't matter - what matters is I definitely felt the creative juices flowing, all as the result of an incidental bit of inspiration that happened during the day.  I need to move myself into a point where I am in closer touch with my muse.

Today should be a good day - at this time, here in the early morning, it is a wide open day.  I am going to meet the guys for breakfast at eight, then, well, the day is open and I may find something to do.  I've been wanting to get over to the coast for lunch for the last couple of days, but I have balanced that with the need to just relax and do nothing.

Though I miss going to Comic Con, I am glad I made the decision to keep this vacation simple and close to home. I needed the time in solitude, I learned from it, I learned some things about myself and had some interesting dreams.

Two nights in a row I dream about shapes and patterns - specifically about layering those shapes and patterns. I think I have had an awareness for a while that I am not committing fully to the things I am doing as I go through my days.  I am doing things, and I am doing things I enjoy, but I am simply not fully loosing myself in the moment.  That is what I am going to work on for the next couple of months I think - continuing the process of focusing, of being in the moment, and of investing myself in the things that I am doing.

Lost On The Way To Work

I am always fascinated by the territory of dreams.  This weekend was no excuse.  I had a dream about trying to get into my office and in the dream I was having to make my way through all kinds of construction sites and detours, some of which were incorrect.  Once again, it is an apt metaphor for the working environment.  I've said that one of the more significant challenges at work is that no one really seems to know who is responsible for what.  It is something I am hoping we manage to overcome in the next year. 

A Spoon Rattling In A Cup

The sound of a spoon rattling against the rim of a cup of coffee. There is a Zen simplicity in that. Can you be authentically inside the sound?

Obviously, it's been a zen weekend. I'm not sure if the word zen can be used as an adverb. However, it is appropriate to describe how the weekend has been flowing. I dove into the day yesterday. On waking I went through my normal routine shower, coffee, breakfast. Then I immediately went out and did five loads of laundry. It was a little bit cold in the morning, since I'm sure they keep the laundromat heater set at about 60. Still, I love doing laundry. I love the scents. I love the textures. I love the action. There is a purity in it.

After I completed the laundry I came home and started the process of taking my Christmas decorations down. They come down quick, because I've mastered the art of keeping my decorations simple over the years. I enjoyed the Christmas season this year very much. I was able to keep it mostly simple. There was a bit of melancholy as I pulled the decorations down. But the new year is upon us, I'm ready for it, and I suppose redecorating is part of it. Small external changes to reflect small internal changes.

With the Christmas decorations down, I then spent the next hour or so cleaning the patio, sweeping the stairs, and sweeping the landing below. I had an incident with the dustpan. I had just loaded it with the mixed debris from the patio, empty sunflower seeds from the birdfeeder, tiny particles that came off the roof, dead leaves, dust – and I brought it inside the kitchen to put it in the trash. I have one of those dustpan's that's a long stick and stick twisted in my hand. I spilled about a couple of the debris on the kitchen floor. That led to the sweeping and mopping of the kitchen. From there I cleaned the bathroom and made a few incidental adjustments in the living room and kitchen. Sweep the floor. Zen.

After that was done I went out to lunch. I met Richard and Tony at the Sonoma Chicken Coop in Campbell. I had a chicken Cobb salad and a bowl of chicken noodle soup. The salad was very good. The soup not so much. At some point in the last 5 to 10 years someone decided that vegetables in soup need to be al dente. I disagree. The vegetables in soup need to be cooked into the soup. They need to be so tender they nearly disintegrate. They need to melt on your tongue. If you cook them out then take it's not really a soup it's vegetables thrown in broth. The whole purpose of the soup is to intermingle the flavors and create something new. Al dente vegetables simply taste like vegetables. There is no alchemy.

We followed lunch with a walk through downtown Campbell and then sat at Starbucks drinking coffee and talking for the next two hours. Most of the conversation was Rick telling us the tale of his ancestors. I had heard most of it before in various parts, but I think it was a relatively new story for Tony and he seemed to enjoy it. We both encouraged Rick to write the story down, I think there's a great little book in there somewhere. Of course, I have no idea for it can actually write. Still, it's a cool story.

I eventually made my way home, watched an old Vincent Price movie - "The Last Man On Earth", and then in episode of "America Unearthed", then wrap the evening up with a conversation with my tender and beautiful TR. The day finished, I slipped into bed, read for a little while and fell asleep.

I woke up a couple times during the night for no real reason. I actually consider it having been a good night's sleep. I did have a strange dream, though I only remember fragments of it. It involved a giant Eagle, an airport bar that was more like a mountain lodge and a German Shepherd who had taught himself to serve milk bones for breakfast. The subconscious is a strange place.

Another beautiful day is unfolding here in California. I'm about to head out to meet Bob and Tony for breakfast. I'm going to deliver some movies to DJ. And of course, TR is in my mind and in my heart today.

Open The Window And Let The Monkeys Out

Let's start the day with a dream. I went to sleep early last night, around 8:00 PM, and slept fairly soundly through the night.  I woke up this morning from a dream. In the dream TR and I were sharing a house somewhere.  In the garage was a classic wooden speed boat, a beautiful piece of work.  I was in the garage and I could smell something shorting out, so I was investigating and discovered that some of the wires in the boat were shorting out because the ignition was turned on.  Apparently, it had been turned on by the monkey that lived in the garage.  It was a little monkey, maybe slightly larger then a spider monkey, so I don't know what the actual breed was. I turned the ignition off and pulled the burning wires.  The monkey got very upset at me, ran madly around the garage, and then found a way out and took off.  Of course, I instantly knew that I was in a dream - TR has a no wild animals in the house rule, so I knew, even as I was in the midst of the dream, that there was no way she would have a monkey in the garage.  Now, when I have a strange dream like that I really wonder - what the heck is my subconscious trying to tell me?  Open the window and let the monkeys out?  That would actually be a good, strange, thing to put on a t-shirt.

The Gift of Dreams

Let me start with the beginning.  Last night when I slept, I dreamed.  The subconscious is a wonderful place, it does all sorts of amazing things, and one of the things it does very well, at least in my case, in fuel my dreams.  Last night, it decided to fuel up my stress/anxiety dreams and then add a twist. I had a set of anxiety dreams that were three parts bad and one part good.

Part One:  I dream I am at a restaurant trying to get a sandwich for lunch and they keep messing up my order.  The first time,, they bring me the wrong sandwich.  I send it back.  The second time, they bring me the wrong sandwich.  I send it back.  The third time they bring me a sandwich - and I can't even say that it is the wrong sandwich because it looks like it has been stepped on.  I completely lose my temper, starting swearing and yelling and throw the sandwich into the kitchen.  They kick me out.

Part Two:  Fuming mad, I go outside to discover someone has stolen my car.  (In the dream, it wasn't my current car, but rather the old Cadillac I loved so much.)  I rant and rave about that.  Frustrated, I walk over to El Camino Real to catch the bus home.

Part Three:  The bus shows up.  Only it isn't a VTA bus, it is a bus like you would see in third world country, an old, beat up, multicolored school bus.  It is crammed full of people.  People inside.  People on top. People outside.  There is no room for me.  The second bus, same story.  This third bus...same story.  Angry and frustrated I start the walk home.

Part Four:  It is about a six mile walk home.  When I get within the last mile I turn down a street that will shave some of the distance off.  I get almost to the end of the street and it is all cut off by a ten foot tall chain link fence topped with razor wire.  I seethe. I turn around to retrace my steps.  In one of the nearby buildings, a man waves me over. I walk over, expecting it to be a security guard about to tell me to get off their property. Instead, he holds the door open and says "We've been waiting for you.  Your suite is ready." He escorts me to the elevator.  I am puzzled, but heck, it is a dream so I go with it.  I ride the elevator up.  The door opens into a luxurious suite with a giant jacuzzi tub.  A room service cart covered in delicacies waits nearby. And there, in the jacuzzi tub - the beautiful actress Milla Jovovich!

The subconscious is an amazing place. It took me through a journey of my stress - and then provided me with stress release!  LOL - outside of the sheer amusement factor of the dream, it was essentially a map of my stress and then a reminder of what I needed to do to recover from it - so the plan this weekend is a nice and relaxing weekend. I won't get the spa with Milla, but I do get the idea.

Dreams of Searching for a Place

For three days in a row I've dreamed I was searching for a place.  The details of the dreams changed but the theme remained. It was the theme of searching for a place.  They weren't anxiety dreams. They were more of what I would call curiosity dreams.  I was searching for a place from a sense of curiosity. I am sure they were reflective of my ongoing inner search. I will be curious to see if the theme remains.

Sliding Into The Evening

Okay, it was a much better day today.  All days start with the sleep of the night before and I got an excellent nights sleep.  I crawled into bed at 9:00 PM, read a few pages in the magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, then went out like a light.  I had a great dream about a naked woman wrapped in butterscotch sheets and slept clean through the night. I woke at about 4:30 AM (my normal time) after that solid seven and a half hours of sleep.  I was alert and vibrant.

The morning was spent with waffles and coffee, then a call with TR, then off to the office.  My Monkey Mind went half crazy on the drive in, so I focused on slowing the day down and doing one thing after another and keeping a running list of what I accomplished. 

That is one of the things I learned in stress management.  When you are in a time of feeling completely overwhelmed keep a running list of your accomplishments through the day. If, during the day or at the end of the day, you feel like you didn't accomplish anything or that you spun your wheels all day, you can simply look at the list and it will help you realize that you are doing fine - working hard and steady, moving forward, completing tasks and that it is the environment around you that is chaotic.

I worked ten steady hours. I got things done.  I moved toward goals.  There was minimal wasted time, minimal wasted effort.  The day was filled with productive work. Yes, there is a tremendous amount of chaos at work, but it is not my chaos - it is the chaos of the world around me.  One of the more interesting things I spent the time doing today was listening to a webcast from our vice presidents discussing what is going on and what their future plans are.  It was interesting and amusing and at times quite a contrast to what is actually happening on the ground level.

For example, one of the things they cited as an example was they wanted to do was start whittling back all the customization and make the processes simpler and more direct.  Uh, except that is exactly the opposite of what we actually did over the last year plus on the big project.  Where we made things more customized and more complex.  So, there is obviously a disconnect their somewhere.

But, I have to say, as I slide into the evening. All in all it was a good day on this side of the universe. Whoever you are and wherever you are I hope your day was the same.

Authentic Sleeplessness

I slept fitfully last night.  It was, according to weather.com, the last day of our sweet little heat wave.  By the time I went to bed, about 9:30 P.M., it was still 80 degrees inside and outside.  I slept with all the windows wide open and both heavy duty fans running.  As the night progresses they slowly, gradually, pulled the temperature down. 

Of course, with it being the 4th of July, it was hardly a tranquil night outside, with a rather astounding and diverse array of fireworks rattling the neighborhood, ranging from tiny strings of lady fingers to some pretty massive explosives - large enough to rattle windows and set off car alarms.  They kept up the show until probably around 11:00 PM, when they fell silent.  In the distance you could hear the deep booms of the commercial grade fireworks at the variety of shows around the valley. Then, most likely due to the heat, I seemed to sleep in about two hour blocks through the night.  Two thought threads ran through my dreams and my waking moments during the night. 

First, I dreamed about work, but it wasn’t really work.  In the dream, I was trying to advance forward on some project and I was waiting on three photographs - the photographs had to be specific dimensions and compositions - and (this part actually relates to the real working world) - I could not adjust them myself, even through it would be a relatively simple thing.  Consequently, I was caught in a circle where I kept having to go back and request that it be done over and over.  Two of the photos were corrected relatively quickly, but the third one was very problematic and required many iterations of rework.

Second, I thought about and carried some of the weight of my friend Tony’s work troubles. Now, here is the simple truth - there is nothing I can do to influence the outcomes of his whole dramatic arc there at work.  All I can do is provide him with encouragement and support.  Which I cannot do in the middle of the night as I muddle through waves of fitful sleep.  But, aparently, it is pretty deeply engrained in my nature that I worry about things, including things I simple do not have the ability to influence.  Tony has been playing The Game of Thrones at work - and he stumbled - which means, well, as Cersei Lannister says “When you play the game of thrones, you win, or you die.”  He is not going to die of course, except perhaps metaphorically.  He is, at least in the initial stages, not going to win though.  I carry it in the middle of the night because he is my dear friend and I wish him all the best.

So, yesterday, as I was moving through the day - and then into the evening and night and early hours of the morning I was thinking about what in means to be authentic, in the Buddhist sense.  Of course, religously speaking, I am not a Buddhist, I am a Catholic, but I do find many things in Buddhism to be of value and the whole concept of being authentic is one of them.  The 17th Gyalwang Karmapa has this to say about it:

“So maybe the point is to confront ourselves with the question: am I really a good person, a good human being? Because that is what characterizes being an authentic Buddhist.”

http://kagyuoffice.org/what-makes-an-authentic-buddhist/

To me, the whole concept of being an authentic anything hinges around first, being in the moment, and then second, being the things you value in that moment.  If you value compassion, then being compassionate is being authentic.  If you value generosity, then being generous is being authentic.  Every time you do not live you values, you take a step away from being authentic.  Everything you live your values, you take a step toward being authentic.  It is a pretty interesting concept, at least to me, and I am sure I will be thinking about it for a while at least.

Dreams and Breakfast

I am sitting in the quiet living room, listening to the drone of an airplane overheard, laying down a carpet of sound periodically punctured by the tweeting of the English sparrows on the deck.  They'r gathered around the bird feeder and as nearly as I can tell they are mostly consumed with kicking seeds at each other.  It seems to be a pastime they all enjoy very much.

I slept well last night, through I dreamed of surviving a tsunami. The Ewan McGregor movie popped into my mind of course, and the Matt Damon one, though my dream had minor variations on theme.  I thought it was an appropriate set of subconscious images hurled at me, especially in regards to the craziness of the project I just spent over a year of my life on - surviving the tsunami.  Every project has casualties - this one had a lot of them. Poor leadership can do that.

Today though, it is a beautiful California day. I am going to take off in a few minutes and meet Ty and Tony at Goodies II on Bascom for breakfast, then we're going to head over to AMC Cupertino to see the new Star Trek movie on IMAX 3D.  I am actually pretty ambivalent going into it.  The first re-imagining by JJ Abrams and crew was outstanding - unfortunately, that sets a pretty high bar for the second one. My fear is that it is going to be more of the same, except louder, flashier, and nakeder.  Not that those are bad things.

Then, after that, I think I am going to circle back home and do some things around the apartment.  I've been feeling the spring cleaning urge for the last couple of weekends, and I've done  a little bit, but I am actually in the mood for a pretty serious shuffle, with trips to the dumpster and the donation center.

Auguries

Last night I had a vivid dream that was mostly inspired by the book I've been reading, Caitlin Sweet's "The Pattern Scars". 

In the dream, there was a Sorcerer who was capable of entering peoples dreams and influencing the person through the dream.  Something had happened to me and I believed that it has been done by this Dream Sorcerer, so I went to another person with expertise on dreams who taught me the basic defensive awareness in dreams and painted a symbol on a dagger, so I could carry the dagger into the dream with me.

That night, when I laid down to sleep, I envisioned my dream self as leaving my body and standing sentinel behind the door.  Sure enough, late at night, the Dream Sorcerer slowly entered my room, except this time, I was ready.  I stepped out from behind the door and grabbed him across the chin, pulling as if I was exposing his neck.  He immediately raised his hands to claw at my hand and to protect his throat.  With his arms thus raised I stabbed him three times in rapid succession upward into the armpit, aiming to slice the axillary artery. 

He screamed in his dream self and in his body, back in chambers.  When he screamed and his dream self vanished I woke with a start.  I grabbed my spear and dashed out into the hall, running down the hall toward his room with everyone else.  As we burst into his room, he was sitting up in his bed, ghastly white, eyes wide with fear. 

I now had all the proof I needed as to the true identity of the Dream Sorcerer so, without hesitation, I plunged my spear straight into his heart, killing him instantly, pinning him against the headboard of the bed.  It was right after the death blow that I woke up.

A Dream Door Opens

About four o'clock this afternoon I laid down to take a nap and ended up sleeping about two full hours, maybe a little longer, so I may be up later than usual tonight.  It was an uncomfortable nap.  I had the window closed, but while I was sleeping the apartment got nice and stuffy, so I awoke from a dream into a muggy, stifling room.

I had a deep dream, or I should say a dream that stirred deeply in my subconscious.  As I've gone through assorted life changes here in 2013, some of them, though they are on my waking mind, they have been pretty heavily suppressed in my dream world, 

Today was the first time that I dreamed of some of those life changes and, perfectly appropriately, I dreamed of them in the form of an email - since words were such an important facet of the last couple of years. I don't really remember the contents of the dream, or the details of the dream, but I woke with the feeling that the door to that part of my subconscious had been opened up and I am sure their are other dreams to follow as I process things.

My evening has been simple, I had a muffin with cream cheese for dinner, chased it with a big container of water, called Bill for a good conversation, and then have spent the evening watching a true classic "Little Big Man" with Dustin Hoffman and Dan George. It's an excellent movie. Now, I am going to wonder off and watch the rest of it.

Dreams of a Mad King

So, yesterday I asked my subconscious for a dream with a stronger narrative thread - and naturally, my subconscious replied.  It was a  beautiful night last night and I fell asleep with all the windows wide open and the ceiling fan slowly turning. Then, as some point in the deep, dark silence of the night I dreamed of a mad king.

In the dream, the Mad King was my enemy, yet he could not move openly against me (or against his other enemies), so instead, he devised a series of rigged trials, the purpose of which was to kill his enemies.  The language of the trials was always carefully neutral, indeed, it even made the king sound like he was benevolent - but winning the trials, and winning three trials in a row, was designed to be impossible. When the Mad King ordered you into the trials, it was always phrased as a gracious invitation so that, if you refused, the King and his allies could claim to be insulted and declare you as his enemy and kill you that way.

In the first trial, it was an "even up match of skills with the spear and shield", except the Kings Champion has real armor and a real spear and I was issued a wicker shield and a very light spear.  There was no chance of defeating the Kings Champion in straight up combat, but I was able to win the contest by out maneuvering him, and then using the light spear to slip between his legs and trip him - once he fell, I was able to get on top of hit and get my knee on this throat and choke him out.  The Mad King was not pleased, but praised me for my cleverness.

In the second trial, the King gave me a belt of silver, phrased as a gracious gift, and all I had to do was don the belt, and then jump out of a boat and swing across a small lake to thank the King.  The belt was heavy enough that if you tried to wear it or carry it, it would take you to the bottom of the lake and drown you - and if you let go of it, you would arrive on the shore without the Kings Gift, an insult that...well, you get the picture.  Here, I was saved by the fact that I can swim like an seal.  Okay, maybe a very big seal.  (LOL - and I will at the end of this entry tell you of something that reminded me off.)  So, I went into the water, which was about fifteen feet deep and gently sloped.  I let the belt carry me down, then I dropped it, went straight up, got a big breath of air, went back down and walked across the bottom of the lake carrying the belt.  I would surface, breath, dive, walk ten steps, surface, breath, dive - until I crossed the lake with my Kings Gift.  Again, the King was angered by my defeating his trial, but there was nothing he could do about it.

As the final trial, the Mad King sent myself and another person into the woods to fetch some silver acorns that grew on a certain oak tree deep in the woods.  I knew that once I had  the silver acorns, the man with me would kill me and claim I tried to steal them.  Since he was armed and I was not, the trap was that either I would be killed trying to steal the acorns, or I could defeat him and head back to the Mad King with the acorns - and be put to death for attacking my companion.

I was done playing the game.  We were scarcely ten feet inside the deep and dark woods and I picked up a convenient oaken club and bashed him alongside the head, then stripped him and tied him up.  I then took his clothes and gear and ran to the oak tree, stole the silver acorns, and as I woke from the dream I was making a run for it through the forest.

Now, I will spend a few days interpreting the dream - though it is pretty descriptive of the work environment I find myself in, serving a Mad King and expecting sanity.

*Okay, I mentioned that I swim like a seal - it's true - I love swimming and I take to the water like a seal.  When people would comment in on my swimming, I would tell them I used to be a part of an elite Navy unit.  "You've heard of the SEALS?  Well, we were the WALRUSES.  We were like the SEALS, only fatter and lazier."

A Tangled Stream of Thoughts

Well, it has been a week.  I thought I would pop online tonight and write a bit before I curled back up with "The King of Thorns".  Most of the week has been eaten by work.  We ran into a series of technical issues on Monday and spent Tuesday and Wednesday fighting our way around them.  Combine that with a little of the ongoing family drama and suddenly it is Thursday. T.R. is off to Charleston, which is exciting, since she has dreamed of relocating there for quite a while - actually, as long as I have known her. When someone actually chases their dream, its a pretty amazing thing. I've got a thousand thoughts swirling around in my head, about a thousand different things, but I am not yet in the space where I want to write about them.  I could, but given the pace of the week, I think most anything I wrote would end up slipping back into a discussion about work.  Work is kind of all consuming right now and probably will be until we get through February and into March.  Then it will just be consumed in a different direction.  So, consider this entry as an IOU to write about - some of the work stuff that went awry, some the ongoing family drama, my excitement about T.R.'s trip, some zen thoughts I've had lately - and then whatever else pops into my poor little brain. I hope you're having a good day, whoever you are and wherever you are.

An Incidental Day, With Lunch

I started the morning in conversation with T.R. about dreaming about Buddha. An easy going morning, breakfast at the Hickory Pit, a stop at Target, and a bit of relaxation at home. 

Then, we took Brandy out to lunch to celebrate her graduation from culinary school. We went over to Mandarin Palace, near the Oakridge mall in San Jose. It was an excellent lunch, the food was great, the company was great, and there was great conversation and laughter - all of the things that a celebratory dinner should have.

I drifted home and spent an easy afternoon watching TV, reading, and tinkering around the house. This evening has been nice and quiet.  I am currently watching a documentary on the Modoc War on KCSM.  It should wrap up about 9:00 PM and then the plan is to curl up and start reading "The King of Thorns", the sequel to "The Prince of Thorns". I am looking forward to just lingering through the day tomorrow.

One Black Dream, One Light Dream

Last night, I dreamt a black dream, quite literally.

In the dream I was driving through a strange city in my Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera (I haven’t had the car in years).  I was in a part of the town where they had the road torn up for repair.  I had to weave my way through various obstacles and then cross a short section of road that was completely torn up. I could see it was muddy, but I figured with enough momentum I didn’t have to worry about it.  I started across…

Immediately upon crossing onto the mud I realized it was far more treacherous than I imagined.  The car skittered across the top of the mud and almost made it - but, just as the nose of the car reached the far side, the rear end of the car started precipitously dropping and in a matter of moments the entire car was sliding backwards and down.  A sea of blackness and cold swallowed the entire car. I had a split-second to get out, which I did.  I was instantly engulfed in the cold black mud.

I knew that I was very close to drowning and I fought the rising panic. I knew that I was literally seconds away from death.  But, I also knew that in order to survive I had to very slowly and very carefully “swim” my way to the surface of the liquid mud, which I did successfully.

I woke from the dream thinking I haven’t had a dream that as clearly symbolized the level of general stress I have been under in a long time - drowning in the cold and black.

Then, interestingly, when I went back to sleep I followed that dream with a cool dream.  In the second dream, I was in a movie theatre (like the Centuries in San Jose), sitting there watching a double feature.  There were some people sitting around me, familiar strangers, who were sharing a big bag of red licorice whips. It was a pleasant experience.  

After the movie ended, I walked out and then walked down the rain slick streets, shiny and beautiful at night, to my car (my current car) which was parked by a restaurant, like an old Bakers Square.  I went inside to get a dinner of comfort food and I knew that I was going to meet friends there, though they had not yet appeared.  It was a perfect California winters evening.

Last Night I Wrestled With Maya

I needed to work on my elasticity today, so I thought I would take a couple of minutes between working on regression testing and attending a meeting to write an entry for my blog.  It’s been a pretty ordinary morning here at the office. Once every three weeks a vendor releases upgrades to their software so we run through a fast cycle of regression testing to make sure that all of the core functionality still works as intended. My portion of that testing passed with flying colors this morning, so it was time consuming but fruitful.

Last night was not a good night for sleep. I spent most of the evening in family calls and they were not the most fruitful. One of the things that happens to people, as they go through any sort of crisis, the crisis allows our better angels to rise up.  Then, Maya begins to rise up and counter whatever action they took or planned to take.  I know from the years of dealing with Maya in my lifetime that Maya is unrelenting and unforgiving and, like water, seeks every crack and crevasse, worms its way in and cracks things open through its relentless pressure.

As the people around us succumb to Maya, then the pressure on us becomes greater and greater as well.  The people around us are one of the entry points for Maya in our lives. It can certainly be a struggle to not allow that to happen.  Recognizing Maya for what it is remains a huge part of that journey.  Recognizing Maya does not free us from reacting or acting because of it, but the awareness gives us the glimmer of hope.

On the wall next to my desk I have a white 3x5 note card.  On it is written one of the things I learned in “The Buddha Walks Into A Bar”.

“May all beings enjoy happiness and be free from suffering.”

*Maya - in the zen tradition, maya denotes that it is not a form of self-deception to acknowledge the physical world as real, however, the deception occurs when one assumes the physical world to be the only permanent reality.”

http://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Maya#Maya_in_Buddhism

The Amazing Subconscious

It was a relatively quick day today - about eight hours of meetings with some work accomplished during the in-between times.  All in all though, it was a good day.  I was a little frustrated by the time I reached the end of the day, but that is not an unusual thing. The small frustrations of the day add up and by the end of  the day they are carrying a certain weight. Then, if you drop something else on top of them it may be just enough to break the camels back for the day.  Just enough to take me past the tipping point.

But, then, the day is done and I head home to start the three day weekend.  I am sure I'll do a little work over the weekend, but not much - hopefully it will be mostly planning and such.  With the overload of meetings and tasks there has been very little time for simple thinking - and thinking is so crucial in an information job.  It always amazes me when I encounter people who do not understand that.  But then, LOL, I do work for an incompetent Director, so I guess that should not surprise me too much.

I am definitely looking forward to the weekend and I am going to start it with an easy night, some reading, then sleeping into the morning.  Last night I had two work related dreams.  First, I dreamed that I was in one of the bad meetings that have characterized this project - no agenda, no control, people talking over people and ignoring the conversations around them. That dream was followed by a dream of me yelling at people on the phone. I thought it was odd that first, I had a dream that built up the stress - then I had a dream that released the stress.  The subconscious is a pretty amazing place.

An Unspecified Morning

I woke crisply this morning, which is the primary sign of a good nights sleep.  If I dreamed, I don't remember the substance of the dream. All in all though, it was a nice sleep and I've kind of segued into an easy day.  It is raining outside, here in San Jose, but that is nice in its own way.  I don't have anything planned for the day.  The usual breakfast with friends at the Hickory Pit, then I might slip out and see a movie or shoot some pool.  My intention is to ease through the day as simply as I can.

My nephew was moved out of critical care last night, into a regular room, so we will see how that goes. Always keeping him centered in my thoughts and prayers.My family, otherwise, is doing well. I decided to cancel my Christmas trip back to South Dakota due to work obligations and a need to keep the stress levels down and under control.  I could feel the waves threatening to crash over me and decided to take a few proactive steps to lower that stress level.

I seem to be in an introspective and unspecified mood today.  We will see what that translates to in the course of the day.  For now, I am going to start the process of getting ready to head over to the Hickory Pit for breakfast.

A Natural Emptiness

I did my best to stay "off the grill" today.  I need the low key weekend and so far it has been pretty good. I stayed up late last night reading "The Cloud Atlas", slept well and woke refreshed. I watched "Fringe" and "Haven", then met Tony and Ty for breakfast at the Hickory Pit. I did a walk through at Fry's, then home for a while. I met Richard for lunch at Pacific Catch over at the Pruneyard.  After that, a few quick errands and then home again.

I will say one thing about the level of work and personal currents running now - they have inspired many vivid but half-remembered dreams as my subconscious stirs around. Today, when I woke up, and then at various times through the day, I thought about the metaphorical boxes that I find myself in as I move through my ordinary days.  The power of habit is a powerful thing.  Our lives are infused with a hundred habits, from the simple to the complex and then back again. Somewhere in there, underneath that layer of habits, is our true self.

That search for the true self is the quest that can consume our days, if we have the courage to undertake it. Sometimes I think I have that courage, but then other times I don't think that I do. As we go through life, life inspires us and wounds us in equal measure.  Each event, each inspiration, each wound, is a thread on the tapestry of our life. Our life is not a single thread, not a wound, not an inspiration, but rather it is the sum total of all of that. Often, we cannot see the full sweep of the tapestry unless we find some way to take a step back, to get a little distance.  To do that, we have to go off the grill, we have to fnd a place of stillness from which we can observe, from which we can experience.

It's a little after nine o'clock PM here right now, I am sitting on my chair in my living room, everything turned off except a single light and my laptop.  I close my eyes and I can hear the sounds of traffic in the distance, through the open patio doors, the quiet rush of the freeway a mile or so away. The clock on the kitchen wall ticks loudly in the stillness.  The sound of my fingers on the keys is a distinctive rattle and click.  There is a distance conversation from the courtyard, but distance enough that I hear the murmur of voices but cannot make out the words. It's a beautiful moment all in all.  Simple and still. There is an emptiness within me, but it seems as if it is the emptiness that should be there. A natural emptiness.

A Disciplined Focus on the Basics

It looks like I have, temporarily, fallen on a different rhythm, a more work driven rhythm.  I got home last night and basically went into vegetable mode, due to the hours I’d worked.  I went to sleep early, about 8:00 PM.  As a result of that decision, I woke up about 2:00 AM, spent thirty minutes or so reading, and then managed to go back to sleep until about 5:30 AM.  When I woke at 5:30 AM I was rested and ready to move smoothly into the day.

I had an interesting dreams - it was a work related stress dream, where I was struggling with various aspects of the project that I’m working on.  My biggest worry bead is this: We’re currently “working without a net” on various portions of the project, were working without anyone checking our work, we’re working without an process of peer review and without many of the necessary project controls.  As a result, I have a persistent fear, not so much that I am making a mistake, but that I am missing something entirely - and I simply don’t know I am missing it.  The same holds true of mistakes - I am well aware that I could be making some terrible mistake and simply be totally unaware of it.

That was the anxiety trigger that tossed and turned my dreams last night, but in the dream was the possible solution.  That is one of the things I love about the way the subconscious works, the way it is continually seeking an answer, and then when it finds something it thinks will work present it to use in the form of images.

In the dream I was preparing to go on a raid of some sort.  It was somewhere in the dark hours of the night, I was in a room lit by a lantern, and I had all my equipment laid out on the floor, meticulously counting each piece, ordering everything, making sure all of the basics were accounted for prior to the raid.  I woke up with the realization that was the approach I needed - a simple and disciplined focus on the basics.