A Knot Made of Whirlwind

I have a whirlwind spinning in my stomach right now. A churning tightness that dulls the appetites and draws me out of the moment. It is a combination of high stress and a lack of sleep.

I've mentioned the work stress, spinning around due to the ongoing reorganization. There has been no relief there. It was hurry up and provide with input with no warning and then...silence. It's like the Indians waiting to attack. It's quiet. Too quiet...

Then, layer onto that the recent accident my parents had. In a nutshell - step dad fell asleep driving and crashed into a sign pole. Car damage, minor people damage.

My mom is hobbling around with a walking boot on a bruised foot.

My step-dad is still in the hospital with high blood pressure that they are trying to bring down, which may or may not have been related to the crash. It's possible that his blood pressure was already running high and it was the post crash visit to the ER that caught it. So, that family phones have been burning up and some crucial conversations are being held, unfortunately, without warning and sometimes in the middle of the night.

Then, finally, layer onto that personal problems arising because I simply don't have enough time to do the things that I need or want to do and because of my personal failures and weaknesses - and my stomach is tied into a knot made of whirlwind.

I am getting dangerously close to having a bonfire day. A bonfire day is one of those days where you take everything you own, pile it in the middle of the street, set it on fire and just walk away. I've done it (figuratively) twice in the course of my life. I'm sure I've got another one or two down inside me. But not quite yet...
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Cracking The Stress Nut

Today's trigger was a computer application not responding when attempting to update tickets. Now, this is just a stress trigger - basically, it stops me from doing a task that I was attempting to do. It frustrates me because I feel under pressure regarding time and tasks.

Today, this layered on top of work flow interruptions where I was asked to assist other people in completing their tasks while I was attempting to complete my tasks. This highlights the dichotomy of my position, which is that I serve two masters - I have my project and task work, which requires the ability to work without interruption, and I have my support tasks, which require me to be highly agile and switch directions at a moment, often without warning. I often feel that I cannot complete both tasks and am constantly forced to choose between one or the other, which puts me into a "planned failure" mode that increases my stress levels.

So, in response to the firing of the stress trigger I took a walk outside and thought about the underlying root causes. There are two – first, there is a sense that I simply do not have enough time in the day to do all the tasks that are arrayed before me – both work and personal. Second, at the core of the stress, is the sense that I do not have the support of my upper management in attempting to manage my tasks and workload. I feel that they are so busy doing their tasks and workload that they are not interested in helping manage my tasks and work load.

That, in a nutshell, is my stress. This results in a highly frustrated Rod, wrestling with time and speaking of himself in the third person.

The Last Monday - With A Crash

Okay, the first day back at work looked pretty much like this. E-mail, Meeting, Meeting, Meeting, Meeting, Lunch, Meeting, Email, Meeting and drive home. It was actually pretty productive for the first day back after a week long vacation - I didn't so much as get anything accomplished, but I did end the day with my arms farther around things then I thought I would and I will go in tomorrow with hopes for a better day.

I've decided to spend some time in the coming month to see if I can figure out what it is about my current work circumstance that has managed to get under my skin and vex me so much. I think there is probably a lesson to be learned there, something to be revealed in self-examination, so I am going to try and block out the time to focus on it in the near term. Work is work is work - and the stress is usually optional.

So, having made it through the first day, I am driving home and I get a call from my sister back in SD. It seems my parents were driving and crashed into something - my sister thinks they hit a sign. It did some damage to the car - to the hood and to the windshield, and though they initially refused the ambulance (and drove the car another fifty miles home), my sister did persuade them to go into the emergency room a little later in the evening. My sister can be pretty persuasive, even to recalcitrant and independent old-timers, like my folks.

My mother will be going home with my sister, and my step-dad will be staying in the hospital overnight for observation. My worry beads are out, but it looks like they made it through the car accident relatively unscathed. I've talked to my sister, but not directly to them yet, so once they are settled in, I will hopefully be able to talk to them tonight. If I don't get the window to talk to them tonight, then I am going to count that as a good sign.

So, all in all, it was a pretty eventful day, for the last Monday in November.

Traveling Thanksgiving

I am in South Dakota for the Thanksgiving Holiday. At this moment, I am sitting on the couch in the living room on the ranch, listening to Hank Williams, sniffing the scent of fresh barley soup prepared by a professional chef and the scent of biscuits in the oven. That simple dinner is about twenty minutes out, so I thought I would pop online and make a quick entry.

I came back to the ranch on Friday the 18th and will, soon enough, be heading back to California. I like visiting here, it is always good to see my parents, my siblings, and any of my other relatives and old friends that I might stumble across - but, honestly, there is only so much to do in South Dakota, and all of it involves lots of driving.

On Monday, I was the parents driver, taking them into Winner (about twenty miles east) for a doctors appointment and errand running, then driving back to Rosebud (about forty miles to the west), and then back home. It was a fairly long day, but everything went pretty smoothly. Then, on Tuesday, I ran back into Winner to pick up the odds and ends for Thanksgiving Dinner.

We're going to have a small one, half a dozen people or so, and we are going to keep it simple and traditional - turkey, mashed potatoes, vegetables, corn bread dressing, and pies, lots and lost of pies. On Tuesday I picked up eight pies from the Winner bakery - two each of apple, cherry, pumpkin, and pecan. That is going to come out to about 1.8 pies per adult! It certainly could have been the all pie thanksgiving. I am sure they will try to foist one on me for the trip back to SD, but pies, in general, simply do not travel well! No matter how careful you are, at the far end, you end up with "the stuff that makes up a pie all mooshed into a container". Trust me, I've tried it.

So, I am spending the days as simply and quietly as I can, napping, reading, visiting, cooking, watching assorted things on television and listening to my folks listen to Hank Williams. And I am thankful, very, very, thankful, for every moment of it, in all it's simplicity and grace. So wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope you're able to find something simple and graceful to be thankful for.

Simple Cool

A Shoe Falls

What is the sound of one shoe falling?

In this case, it is the sound of officially getting the word at work that we are on the verge of a reorganization at the directorate level. The good part of the news is that we'll be reorganizing and adding staff, which is rare enough in this economy and contrary to my general experiences with reorganizations. The bad news is that I have no idea if they no what they're doing - and it has not been the most transparent or collaborative reorganization that I've ever seen.

I think I have a fundamental distrust of things that are done in secret, which probably stems from the influence of my youth that tells me "anything done in the dark is the devils work". So, the other shoe will fall when all the parts of the reorg fall, but rest assured that right now the potential, good and bad, is churning around inside my imagination.

Ending With The Brothers Grimm

Well, I would call today an unexpected day. It contained curves and waves and ripples that I had not foreseen. Of course, the simple truth is, we lack the ability to foresee much at all. So, in reality, we pretty much only get to see what we see as it unfolds. Is that existential enough for us?

I slept pretty well last night, except for a strange dream that involved my microwave oven exploding, and I woke in the still and cool hours of the morning. I lingered in bed as long as I could, tucked in safe and warm, then ventured out for a cup of coffee and a simple bowl of oatmeal to start the day.

I ran into some strange problems with my computer in the morning and ended up having to back out some software installs and reinstall them before I managed to return it to full service. That was a frustrating way to start the day. From there, I met the guys over at the Hickory Pit for breakfast (a Western Sausage Omelet). We wandered the electronics store for a while, then wandered over to Bob's place, where we spent most of the afternoon, socializing amid imaginary errands.

A quick dinner and I was home for the evening. Once hear, I found a few more problems with my computer and did another reinstall on another piece of software, which corrected that. So, as off right now, it appears to be working correctly, though I am a little tired of playing with it.

After all of that, as I settled in for a quiet evening, I decided to watch an enjoyable movie on DVD tonight - "The Brothers Grimm", with Heath Ledger, Matt Damon, and Lena Headey. I've always enjoyed the film and tonight was no exception - a great little way to slide into the quiet evening. With the onrush of fall, with the early darkness of the evenings, I seem to be drawing a great pleasure out of the simplicity of quiet evenings at home.

I've tossed a couple of the posters from "The Brothers Grimm" up - if you haven't seen it before, it is worth catching off of Netflix or On-Demand. Personally, I own the DVD, but that is because I do enjoy the movie enough to watch it more that once or twice a year.

Tarsem Singh's The Immortals

After a quiet and productive day at work I slipped out a little early and drove over to Mercado 20 to meet Tony and see Tarsem Singh's "The Immortals". We'd originally seen the previews and excerpts at a panel at Wondercon with the director, so our anticipation has been fairly high. We also saw a second panel at Comic Con, which kept the interest high. I count myself a fan of Tarsem Singh and in that aspect The Immortals did not disappoint.

It was a work of visual poetry, with a few clunks, as is wont to happen when you're out there trying to push the edges of visionary film-making. If you're looking for a classic retelling of the Greek myth of Theseus, you'll be disappointed. But, if you are willing to go to the movie, sit back in chair, relax, and let the director take you where he will, then you will enjoy the movie. Think of it as a visual feast and don't worry too much about the stories. Or that fact that, apparently, in the Greek world leaping high was a critical combat skill. Let the little details like that slip away.

After the movie we stopped and got dinner at Mexicali Grill there in Santa Clara. As usual, it was pretty good. We took a quick walk through Microcenter to look at games (Tony was looking for Elder Scrolls Skyrim, which was supposed to be released today, but they didn't have there).

It was raining pretty steadily by the time I started homeward so I was a little bit worried about the rainy commute - and that turned out to be a well placed concern. Just down Lawrence Expressway there was an accident - fire trucks, ambulance, police - which forced four lanes of traffic into two lanes. It was bumper to bumper and slow going until I was past the accident point, then it was a pretty smooth drive. I love the way the city looks in the rain, black and slick and shiny and clean.

It's a nice quiet evening here now and I am watching "Sanctuary" on SyFy, contemplating the evening. I'm planning on getting together with friends tomorrow for some socializing and some game playing, so I reckon I am looking forward to that. It is the last weekend before I jet back to South Dakota for Thanksgiving and a week long vacation. I am looking forward to the visit, though not necessarily looking forward to the traveling part of it. My sister is planning on meeting me at the airport on the 18th, and then my folks want to take me back up to the airport for the return leg of the trip, largely so they can go Christmas shopping and visit a nephew and a pair of nieces who live in Rapid City, SD.

TR is out with friends tonight, so my plan for the evening is a quiet and simple evening with the DVR and at least a couple of chapters in "A Storm of Crows" by George R.R. Martin

In Short, It Flowed

Today was a much nicer day than the preceding two. It started with a morning conversation with T.R., moved smoothly into a brisk morning, a decent lunch, a short afternoon, a good visit to the eye doctor, and then a simple dinner. In short, it flowed. One more day to go this week and then the weekend is upon us. Tomorrow I am going to duck out of work early to see Tarseem Singh's "The Immortals". I am looking forward to it! The above still is Freida Pinto from "The Immortals".

One More Hour

Well, it has been an interesting pair of days. I spent eight hours on Tuesday and another three hours today in a training class. Actually, the first eight was a pilot of the training class and the three were a follow-on to the training class, assembling and providing feedback. So, about two thirds of my working days has been consumed by this class/meeting.

I was deep in the hole today as far as email was concerned, but I was able to dedicate a couple of hours to it and get through about half of it, so I am hoping to be able to catch up tomorrow or Friday. I have some requirements I need to write and a request for a quote and both them are already behind the eight-ball. And then, tomorrow, I also have an eye doctor appointment in the afternoon - so my effectiveness tomorrow is going to be pretty limited as well.

Was it any wonder that I commented the other day that I often wish the day had an extra hour - just one, but that would certainly be enough to take a lot of time pressure off. For the immediate future I suspect that is going to be the reality of my working world - too much to do and not enough time, but I feel I am better equipped for it now. I give a lot of credit for that to the stress counseling I went through earlier in the year - I am more resilient and I am better equipped with the tools to handle the stress and to not let the stress get to me. But, whatever unfolds, I suspect it is going to be an interesting couple of months.