Waking Anxious

I woke up this morning in a place I don't like to wake up. Not physically, I woke up in my bed physically, so there wasn't anything unusual there.

No, I woke up in a state of semi-anxiety about work. Specifically, I woke up worrying about changes at work, uncertain of the direction work was headed in.

First off, I dislike waking up into the stress of the monkey-mind. That tells me that something is weighing too heavily in my imagination. It is not a pleasant way to wake up. I much prefer waking up well rested, peaceful, and contemplative. Today wasn't that day.

My challenge is this - I have environmental changes going on at work that I really can't do anything about. That feeling of powerlessness is what sends the mind on these long anxiety inducing guests, seeking some way to influence a process or a change that you really have very little influence over. I would not describe the feeling as a feeling of helplessness, but rather a feeling of powerlessness, a basic inability to influence a process.

Let me see if I can sum up the challenge in a nutshell. Of course, like most companies, we being impacted by the recession. Since I work for a government contractor, 85% or so of all our business comes from the federal government, so this tightening of the budget at the national level is rippling through our programs and projects. Consequently, for the last two years or so we've been in a constant state of re-organization, with a relentless emphasis on cost control and efficiency. This isn't a bad thing of course, it was what companies do, so there are no real new surprises there.

The problem, for me, arises in my own division. At the executive level all four of our VP positions have been changed out in the last two years - three of them came from outside of the company, one of them was promoted from inside of the company. I assume this is because at the very high levels of leadership it was decided that we need the influx of new ideas to deal with the new reality. That is understandable. That change has rippled down through the ranks, including the directors. Most of the director level positions are also filled with new people - some from outside, some from inside. So, we have had a pretty thorough change in upper management.

No, the problem arises, specifically with this - by misfortune, I've landed under a bad director. They micromanage, they flail about, they do not communicate well, and they do not engender any trust. And that is tough for me. I've worked for multiple directors over the years - some good, some indifferent, but this is the first director that I would truly call bad, that I would truly call incompetent. However, the director seems to be very good at the political game that is upper management. They get away with things that kind of amaze me.

Now, of course, I am not playing the game of corporate politics at that level. I really have no interest in it, I don't really see what the rewards are. I am content to be a program level manager, running my organization, working on specific projects and programs. My anxiety level is rising because I have no idea which direction this director is going to jump - on anything. I see a lot of activity, but if there is a strategy or a goal, I haven't seen it articulated in anything except the vaguest sense.

I am fearful that my organization is going to end up on the chopping block as a cost-saving measure, or get broken up and scattered about, perhaps with me ending up on the chopping block. Now, the weird that about this for me, the part that I need to explore internally, is I do not know what I am particularly afraid of this change.

I like to think that normally, I am not a change resistant type of person. I understand and accept that change and transformation are part of every day life. I've actually been laid off three times in the course of a 25 year career here in Silicon Valley, due to buy-outs and re-organizations. It happens. It is rarely personal. I'm financially well off, I have some fairly deep resources, and combined with unemployment benefits, it would actually be a long time before I had to worry about things financially, so I am good there. I am actually not even welded to my job - I like my job, don't mistake that, but I've contemplating quitting before, and within the last year.

So, in a worse case scenario, I get laid off. Now, I do have a bit of a worry bug about the people who work for me - I would hate to late them off into this economy, but I am not really sure I can do anything about that. And, I have laid people off before, a lot of people - they're good folks, I suspect they would all land on their feet, albeit a little slower than usual because of the economy, but the economy is in the slow grind of a recovery.

So, what I am questioning in myself is, where is this work related anxiety coming from? Other than perhaps just a basic, simple, self-indulgent, fear of change. I think that is what I am going to contemplate over the next couple of days, see if I can tease anything out of it.