A Better Day Than Expected

Today was a better day then I expected.  I started the day with a work schedule full of meetings - five hours of meetings, from 8:00 AM to 1:00 PM, so I knew that I would have to settle in for a long day. I think that is one area where our expectations can come in handy. 

Since I knew what the shape of the day was going to be, I was able to prepare, both physically and mentally, and as a result of that preparation the day itself went pretty smoothly.  I even managed to finish an audit task that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to finish this afternoon, and then promptly volunteered to help another employee finish the same audit task, which I will wrap up tomorrow morning.  I thought about doing it tonight from home, but decided that I would not push it - it was a good day, I will accept that and move on. 

My plan tonight is to read some more in The Pattern Scars.  I am about two thirds of the way through the book and probably two or three hours of continuous reading from the end.  It has been an interesting story, but it is a little slow and meandering at points.  I think that is a risk in fantasy and science fiction novels - sometimes the author just gets wrapped up in describing the world they have so lovingly constructed that they forget to move the story along.  To me, it is all about the story - tell me a good tale and that forgives many sins.

It was a beautiful and balmy day here in California.  Tonight is simply gorgeous, about seventy five degrees right now, an hour after sunset.  I've got the patio doors wide open and the windows wide open and a single fan spinning in the hallway to insure a smooth flow of air through the entire apartment.  Even though the weather is so nice, we are still in winter here - and we'll most likely get two or three more rain storms before we reach spring, but the plants, trees, and flowers are already rushing toward spring and blooming.  Like I said, simply beautiful.

Lately my dreams at night have been full, dense and crowded.  I would not call them anxiety dreams - more like they are simply very complicated.  I wake and all I remember are dream fragments.  My subconscious is definitely churning in frenzied circles and we'll see if the dreams take any coherent form over the next couple of days.  Though the fragments are interesting, like stories, I much prefer the dreams that have a strong narrative center.  I guess I even prefer life to have a strong narrative center now that I think about it.

I spent about an hour on the phone with my step-dad tonight.  He is in the final two weeks of his stay at the convalescent hospital and he should be released to home sometime around the 20th. He is looking forward to it and he is definitely in much better shape then he went in.  Hopefully he learned the all important lesson about staying on his medications and watching after his own health. He and Mom are seriously contemplating moving into an assisted living facility there in Winner and I am all for it.  It will allow them to keep their independence and yet at the same time have some services provided to them or available to them.

The whole question of aging parents is a difficult one for me, as well as for many people. My instinct is to charge back and to take charge and help - but, I am fortunate enough to realize that isn't the solution.  Yes, I am prepared to give them whatever assistance they need, including moving back to South Dakota - but at the same time, it is not something that you can force on them, they have to choose it, and it would doubtless involve some complex negotiations on the part of all parties because they are not yet at the point where they need someone to run their lives for them, All they need at this point is some assistance - and being headstrong, like we all are as a family trait, that assistance is going to have to come on their terms.  As much as I'd like to make decisions for them, I can't and I shouldn't.  As John-Roger said, "We must allow other people the dignity of their journey."

Aren't We All Amazing Creatures

I enjoyed my little break from routine yesterday and I thought I would repeat it again today.  I came into the office early this morning so I could get a jump on that day - mornings tend to be the most productive time for me.  By the time I get later into the day I am often tired and irritable and that makes productive work difficult until later in the day.  The constant stream of interruptions from the ordinary course of business makes any measured approach to the day very difficult. I often wonder how much other people have to deal with the interruptions as well. I know they are common in my division, but I wonder if other divisions do a better job of controlling them.  It may simply be a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence.

My thoughts this morning are flowing around two things - expectations and control. They are both deeply intertwined. Control is one of the primary methods we use to try and insure that our expectations are fulfilled.  We want certain things to happen, usually based on our own needs, however base or noble we perceive them.  We then reach out and attempt to influence the course of events, attempt to drive them toward our expected outcomes. Often, we attempt to drive them there by command, by coercion, by the judicious application of force. Yet, thousands of years of observational experience, distilled and passed down to us as the wisdom of the world, tell us that force only works in the crudest sense.

I tend to be a person who divides things into two parts - yes and no, good and bad, creative and destructive.  I think the middle ground between these poles is pretty small - sometimes it is a razor blade upon which we are trying to juggle a world view. I think that, when we do not have an accurate perception of circumstances, when our perception is strong influenced by Maya, it is very easy for us to slip into the land of unmet expectations and all of the things that come with it. The better we perceive what is real, the more likely our expectations are going to align with what is real. It would then seem to follow that if we want our expectations to be met, we would have a higher chance of success if we aligned them with what is real.  Then, if we use the real to influence the real, we have a better chance at increasing the probabilities of success.

It is definitely a brain tickler to be spinning around inside my head today.

On other fronts, T.R. is back from Charleston and they are settling in for Christmas.  I was able to spend some quality time with her last night that I very much enjoyed.  My nephew was hoping to be discharged from the hospital today, so my parents drove up from the ranch, but there may have been a wrinkle thrown into the middle of that. Last night my nephew had rather severe stomach pains, so this morning they had run him through x-ray and then shot him up with morphine. Who knows what the outcome of that all is going to be. It is in part the events surrounding my nephew that have me contemplating issues of expectation and control.  Various people involved in the process have various expectations and wanted outcomes and yet, with the exception of the actions they take as individuals, there is very little they can do to control the process.

To me, when you are faced with this kind of circumstance, the question becomes - what are you willing to do to influence the outcome toward your expectation.  If the most you are willing to do is express your opinion and hope other people do the things you want them to do, then you have a relatively small chance of success.  The deeper you get into the reality, the closer you come to perceiving reality, the more likely you are to be able to influence the outcome. In the arena of expectations, victory goes to the person who is most willing to get deeply, deeply involved in the reality of the situation.  That involvement often comes with a very high cost in term of surrendering your own personal set of illusions to fully embrace reality.  Maya disapproves. So we attempt to control the unreal (reality as we would like it to be) with the unreal (actions that are not aligned with that which is real) and crash into the world of unmet expectations.

Aren’t well all amazing creatures?