Whew. What a week. I sure didn’t manage to accomplish much, though I did a lot of work. I was mostly fried from the long hours of last week, so I entered this week in a state of near exhaustion. I could feel it in the evenings. Monday night I slept extra hours. Tuesday night I didn’t sleep because work had me totally stressed out. Wednesday night I slept extra hours. Thursday night I tossed and turned in a strange dream about boxes that was probably work related, though not necessarily.
The metaphor of boxes extends across life. Basically, in the dream, I was in a sort of post-traumatic stress condition where I was experiencing life in boxes. Each aspect of my life had its own box and was moving independently of the other boxes. Movement among the boxes was very sharp and distinct - inside one box, then inside the next box, then the next. When inside each box the perception of the other boxes was that they were not real. Because they were unreal what was happening inside of them did not affect me in the box that I was currently residing in. It was a strange and vivid dream. I woke from it about 2:00 AM and the feeling of being in a world of boxes persisted until I fell back asleep, then I slide through a normal dream until my alarm clock woke me.
I think the boxes are an apt metaphor for my life at this point. Not intentionally, I believe in a holistic approach to life, but I think that the sheer volume of stuff has led me to compartmentalize a wide variety of things to keep them from spilling over. But, in the act of compartmentalization the core itself becomes fragmented. You are trying to protect the core but instead you end up breaking it into pieces. That is how I feel right now - I feel fragmentary. I need to take the steps necessary to pull everything back together and be a more integrated whole again.
I’m not quite sure how to get there from here. Because I have been moving so fast I’m really feeling the need to just have a quiet weekend and spend some time thinking and meditating. I haven’t been able to pull that off for a while. Sometimes I enter the weekend with the best of intentions, but then, by the time the weekend is over I haven’t really accomplished anything. I get the feeling that if I just got a couple of more days of good sleep I would catch up and feel more centered, but I am not sure if that is true. Oh, I could definitely use a couple of more days of good sleep, but I am not sure it would affect the fragmentation. Though I would certainly be less sleepy.
With the coming weekend I am going to try and sleep deeply and make a little headway against this particular challenge. I do realize that one of the things I have to do is stop wasting my time doing the things that are not giving me any rewards. I often feel like I spend way too much time waiting to do things and waiting for things to happen and I really need to just get moving and keep moving according to my schedule, not according to other peoples schedule.
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