Wild Flower

This is a small wild flower that was growing alongside a fence near the deli were I went for lunch today. I loved the simple, wild, beauty. It's been a chaotic work week so far, with 19 meetings in the last three days and one more to go to wrap up the day. I'm fried to put it lightly.

I am looking forward to, hopefully, a quiet evening at home. Yesterday turned into a 12 hour work day where I really didn't accomplish much of anything - other then a lot of time spent in meetings. Today was a little more productive, but over all I have been losing ground at work. Its...amusing. My being psychologically divorced from the outcome has given me quite a bit of relief, though it really doesn't change the workload.

Otherwise, today is Day Nine, and my monkey-mind was whirling with a vengeance last night. I woke at about 2:00 AM with a thousand thoughts, so I had to lay there in the darkness, acknowledge them, contemplate them, and then release them.

All told, the process took about an hour and a half. At the end of it I managed to eek out another two hours of sleep. Ah, the paths our minds dash up and down is pretty amazing.

Now, off to my one remaining meeting...
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An Apple A Day

It's an eight meeting today. Normally I would not have even bothered to come into the office today, since I'm basically spending the day pacing around and wearing my telephone headset. It all means that, at the end of the day, I'll be completely fried, especially since I threw myself into work at 5:30 AM.

I am sitting in a scheduling meeting today and, to tell the truth, it's a pure fantasy land meeting. But, it's a pleasant enough fantasy land, especially since I've started to us my Zen tricks to not care about the outcome. I just do the best I can and then leave the rest to the flying monkeys.

My monkey mind was pretty attached today, though the rapid succession of meetings kept me busy enough that it never really got away from me, except for a time or two. I walked and breathed and pulled myself back into the moment.  The scent of the apple pictured above was a great tool to pull me back into the moment, smelling slightly sweet and crisp.

When I go through an emotionally difficult time the tendency to second-guess myself runs wild. The thoughts of the day become "what if, what if, what if..." and they spin around and threaten to run out of control.  But, I replay all the conversations, then think about them, consider what is done and not done, said and unsaid, actions taken and actions not taken - and the weight of things usually becomes apparent, painful, but apparent.

Then of course, wrapped inside of it was a great little section from "The Bowl of Sagi":

October 7th

If is a very high stage on the path of love

When one really learns to love another

With a love that asks no return

A difficult thing indeed, but a thing that we can accomplish.

As Smoothly As I Can

I am settling into a quiet night here at home. The plan, if it counts as one, is to watch an episode of "Bones", and then maybe something else. Another program on the TV or DVR, perhaps some more reading in Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine.

On the emotional front, my emotions continue to crash up and down as I try move gradually toward some closure. Closure is never an easy thing - communication helps - but when relationships stutter, stumble, and fall, often effective communication ends and closure becomes more difficult, in large part due to the unanswered questions. 

So, even as we move toward closure I am trying to keep the lines of communication open, at least from my side, in part to help her through it, if she needs it, and in part to help me through it.  Each cycle of communication we have, as we move forward, does bring me closure and for that I am thankful.

The practice of zen non-attachment helps, each day, as I move through the day.  It helps to pull me back into the moment and focus me, which is what I need.  I have a lot of distance to cover I think, but I have the time to cover it.

Work continues to be problematic, today was definitely a Monday, and I've got way too many things moving in way to many directions.  The strangeness of the whole thing is - when it rains it pours.  Sometimes I think stress moves through the universe in unseen waves, washing over us, ebbing and rising according to some unknown tidal schedule.  Tonight, I am going to let it ebb and move into the evening as smoothly as I can.

On Flow

I tried my best to flow through the day and not let my emotions crash over me too often.  There were moments of course, but there always are.  I am deliberately trying to not over think everything. Trying to just flow through the day, to breath, to walk on the earth, to be present. (All credit to the Teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh). So, in the spirit of flowing, in the spirit of being present...

I had breakfast with Bob, over at the Hickory Pit, and from there went over to AMC 14 and saw the new movie, Taken 2, with Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace and Famke Jensen.  It was exactly what it was supposed to be and enjoyable as a pure popcorn movie.  From there, I met Don at Edgies and shot some pool (lost every single game), and then an early dinner at Red Lobster.  Home, a quick nap, a shower, and this moment.

As I went through the day I was pretty much continuously pulled out of the moment by the monkey mind, by all the unanswered questions that flow through us in emotional times. I am hoping that my mind stills and I am able to enjoy the evening.  I think the shower and the nap helped. Plus, one of my new favorite shows comes on this evening - Copper, on BBC.  If you haven't watched it, I would definitely give it a very high recommendation.

The Tides of Life

Well, it has been a day. The tides of life are flowing strongly. I am still too close to the events to write about them in detail here, in fact, many of the details are still actively swirling around in my mind.  My monkey-mind is reaching out there and grasping at various things that are flowing by and I am in a constant struggle of trying to not let it fasten on things.  Additionally, I have always respected the privacy of other people, so I am sticking to that, even though half of the story is mine.  It was an emotional morning and those emotions rose and fell through the day. This evening was melancholy, so I picked up my guitar and wrote for a while.  I have set that aside for now to let it age a bit, but I do have to say I was happy with the outcome.

It is strange to me, but I think all of the reading I have done in the last year in Zen has influenced me.  I am - not grasping. When I feel my hands grasping I take a deep breath and I relax them.  It helps. I try to be as open and honest as I can in this world, and as tough as this time has been for me emotionally, there is no guilt associated with it.  It is an emotionally tough time, in which I am an active participant, but they are the emotions that arise from being attached. Buddha himself left a wife and child to seek enlightenment (which is always a weird thing to think about, in my book).  I haven't left a wife and child, so it is just something to think about.

I had breakfast with Bob, then wandered a bit, through Fry's and Home Depot, then I came home and took a nap.  After the nap,Tyrone and I drove up to the Texas Roadhouse for dinner.  Here, in the evening, as mentioned, I spent some time playing and writing, and then watched a pair of Fringe episodes.  I may watch an episode of Haven next, since it is a little too early to go to bed, and, I am fairly certain, that once I crawl into bed the monkey-mind is going to run berserk for a while before it lets me fall asleep.

Oh, that reminds me, I finished reading William Gibson's "Zero History".  I would highly recommend it, it was thoroughly enjoyable.  I am not sure what I am going to start reading next, but I have some other books in line.

Racing to the Future

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I started the day with a 6:30 AM meeting, then commuted into work, then got a few productive hours working on one portion of the project under my belt before the the cycle of meetings started up. I did manage, during the whole of the day, to complete one thing - and this project is definitely moving forward one simple thing at a time.  I headed home about 4:00 PM, had a simple chicken and cole slaw dinner from JC's, then spent an hour or so on the phone with my mother.  It was, end to end, a full day and that is the kind of day I need sometimes, so I do not get sucked to deeply into my monkey mind.

I've got another meeting at 6:00 AM tomorrow (which is, technically, my off-Friday), then I will go out and get something for breakfast, and follow it up with some additional work. I don't really want to work this weekend, but I do need to, at least to keep the project moving forward. So, I will spend the days weaving in and out of personal things and work things, focusing on one thing at a time.  I am also going to spend some time this weekend in setting up the home office is in the spare bedroom.  I've been saying that for a couple of weeks now and I might actually get to it.

I generally don't do politics, as politics are their own circus, and I am having enough fun over here in my circus. I vote and I am active in the civic life, but I just don't talk about it that often.  Anyway, I saw this image while I was reading the news this afternoon on an aggregating site and it did draw a sudden laugh from me:

Evening looking at the image now, it brings a chuckle out of me.  Ah, the simple things in life that amuse me.

Today is Day Four in this particular portion of my personal journey and I kept finding myself reaching for my phone and then setting it down.  Space.  Breath. Thumb off the wounds.  See, all that studying of Zen pays off. I haven't got any particular insights yet, but I know the nature of insights are that they often take a while to arise.  When I think about it, my brain flies off in different directions and elaborate imaginary scenarios that have little or no bearing on reality.  Conversations that were never had.  Actions that were never taken. The brain playing out a thousand imaginary scenarios, each a distraction from being here, now.  When I catch that happen I think of Thich Nhat Thanh's admonition to - walk, breath, walk, breath - and I pull myself into the moment.

I wouldn't say that I was a fatalist.  I don't think that the future is fixed and predetermined, but I do think that the current of this thing we call life, I think those currents flow in a certain direction and down certain pathways. We happens inside that current is up to us, is influenced by the choices we make and fail to make, but one way or another life moves us through certain experiences at certain times in our lives. We can fight it, we can resist, we can race - but we are still carried by the same currents.  When it comes to the relationships among people, we make our choices, they make their choices, and if we are lucky, we meet in the middle for a while - it can be a long time or it can be a short time.  And I think in there is a simple insight about all relationships.  If you want to meet in the middle, both sides need to move in that direction.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn't.  So ends Day Four.

The Memory of Other Wounds

As I walked down the hall this morning I was thinking about suffering. I was thinking about the wounds we get as we go through this life, and about the suffering that we go through because of them. I think that most of the rooms we end up with in life are accidental or incidental. Yes, we definitely get some that are intentional, but, at least in my life, those have been the exception rather than the rule.

This whole "being a human being" is not an easy thing. By being human, we know that there is going to be some suffering that comes with the territory and, short of the spiritual enlightenment that frees us from our suffering, we're going to go through those experiences.

How we react to that suffering, to those wounds, is part of what shapes us. As I drove in this morning, then as I walked down the hallway and sat here in my office preparing for work, I reflected on our ability, as human beings, when wounded, to reach over and put our thumb on the wound and press down! We can, in our minds, intentionally make the suffering we are experiencing in any given moment worse. Why do we do that? What purpose does it serve? What is the function of this human trait?

As usual, I don't have the answer to these questions. But, I can definitely attest that as I drove into work this morning and as I walked down the hall, I had my thumb pressed into my wounds, while my mind conjured up the memories of other wounds.
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An Auto-Pilot Day

I didn't sleep well last night, in part due to the heat (we have been in the nineties for the last couple of days and last night it didn't cool off until early in the morning0, in part to the attachment of the monkey-mind, in part due to the currents of emotions that rolled through me.  I fell asleep, fitfully, about 10:00 PM, and then woke at 2:00 AM.  After tossing and turning for a while, I read a few chapters in "Zero History" and then managed to fall back asleep for an hour or two.

Then, due to lack of sleep and the monkey mind, I moved through most of the day on auto-pilot.  It took me about an hour to get started, once I had arrived at the office.  I managed to get about an hours worth of prep time in before I entered a long cycle of meetings that ran from 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM. The meetings went rather smoothly, though, largely pointlessly. I made a little headway in the final meeting of the day, so that counted.

From there, I headed home in the heat of the day.  A burrito for dinner, then an episode of "Haven", an attempted nap, then back up and now I am watching the season premiere of "Once Upon A Time" off the DVR.  I've got a few more programs on the DVR to watch tonight, or, once it cools down a bit I might return to reading some more of "Zero History".

I guess, in some ways, today is a Day One for me. Like all such Day One's, I am not really sure what to make of it.  I am certain that, at some level, I am holding myself in check psychologically, letting things surface to be dealt with one at a time, trying to control the flow.  Control of course is an illusion, but we certainly have the ability to influence the course of events by how we perceive of them, by how we interpret them. If we do not attach to them, they do not push and pull us around. We watch them as they flow by.

And oh, crap that reminds me. I've mentioned before, in other seasons, that October seems to be an emotionally laden month for me. It didn't escape my eye that yesterday was the 1st of October - which extends the influence of the month into yet another year.  I could write a novel about October. That, actually, might be an interesting tale. A lot of significant things have happened to me in October over the years.

Monday, prior to the unfolding of the day, I had an insight, and the insight was that I needed to "Break Free" from some of the things that I had bound myself with.  That phrase has been running through my day, and through my brain.

The Last Drops of Rain

The soundtrack of the last week or so has been Melissa Etheridge's new album, "4th Street Feeling". It is outstanding, a solid collection, through and through.  Her talent never ceases to amaze me. She writes and sings songs that capture the bittersweet nature of life in a true and honest fashion. I'll probably share the lyrics of some of the songs as I go through the weeks ahead.

The currents of life have been surging around me the last couple of months, with unexpected developments in all aspects of my life. A few years ago and the stress and emotionality of it would have been crushing, but I give a lot of credit to that stress counselor I went to two years ago for reminding me of many of the things I know about managing stress. Layer that on top of the journey I have been on toward a minimal lifestyle and exploring zen and...I still feel the currents, the emotions are as strong as they have ever been, they pull me this way and that, but I do not feel as if they buffet me.

I got an unexpected call tonight that has been, basically, two years in the coming I think. A conversation that has been had a dozen times, with an ending that never was, and tonight, well, tonight might have been the ending. It might have been that last tide that crashes ashore and then ebbs slowly back into the sea. I am sure I am going to write more about it in the coming days, writing that I may or may not share.  But, between there and here I have shed a thousand tears and the tears that remain are like the last drops of rain, that fall, softly to the ground.