Wednesday, September 18, 2013

My Mind Rambles

Okay, I thought I would take a pause in an otherwise busy day and write an entry here.  This work week has gone pretty smoothly and pretty quickly, with more strangeness then pressure.  If feels like our entire organization has kind of paused and is trying to decide what it is going to do.  I think we’re all sitting and waiting for the re-organization announcements that are supposed to come out in the next couple of weeks.  I know that I am pretty close to being on pins and needles.  Our VP has a meeting scheduled for next Thursday and I know that I am certainly eager in my anticipation.  I am hoping for relief from the madness and a chance to move into a new era.

Other than that though, it has been a good week.  I spent most of the week catching up on Starz “The White Queen” by watching six episodes more or less back to back.  It is pretty good television and another feather in the cap for Starz, in my opinion.  I am also completely caught up on the totally awesome “Ray Donovan”, a truly outstanding show.  Each episode seems to top the previous one for pure brass balls. “Ray Donovan” is great television.  The fall season is starting up so I’m hoping that something will separate itself from the pack and became the stand out show of the fall.

On the reading front I am moving steadily through Neil Gaiman’s “The Ocean At The End Of The Lane”.  So far, the story itself feels a bit slight, but we’ll see where it goes. Neil is an amazing writer though.  There is a great sequence in the book about a young boy who has an other worldly entity inside of him, having entered through a small hole in his foot and one of the characters removes the entity by basically pulling it back out through the small hole.  It is a shiver inducing set of passages and a great example of what the author is capable of through the power of prose.

Things are relatively stable on the family front, but that is the way the world seems to be swaying right now.  Things are good, things are good, things are good…and then they are not.  I find myself frequently contemplating the logistics of relocating to home to assist my parents through their twilight years and tore over whether it is necessary at this point and all the “cost” factors (in the sense of economics and utility, with financially being only a small part of it).

I am hoping that the direction we are heading in after our re-organization is going to give me some clarity in making a decision there. Right now, I just have too many empty data points that factor in.  I honestly wish that I had more support from my family in making the decision and envisioning what the structure and consequences of the decision are going to be - what support I can count on (or not count on) from my siblings, etc.,  All of these things are data points I could use.  I probably need to sit down and matrix or flow chart the whole thing and consider the implications in a more formal manner.

My big fear, I guess, is that the personal cost to me will be too high and have a strong negative impact on me.  Yet, at the same time, when I look at the equation I realize that some of the things I am filtering into the equation are imaginary numbers on my part.  I am giving too much weight to conditions and circumstances that are not really relevant, nor do they possess the value that I am trying to ascribe to them.  I do need to sit down and get it all flow charted out and considered carefully.  I suspect I am reluctant to do that because I am afraid of the direction it is going to push me in.  The calculation from this spring is not the calculation from this fall and it will not be the calculation from the winter.  Of course, it never is.

For me, on a personal level, it would certainly be a re-rolling of the life dice. I am not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.  There are definitely times when we want to re-roll the dice.  The question I guess is, in part, if this is one of those times and if the dice are going to land in a place where I want them to land.  I can definitely see some advantages in pulling up stakes and relocating to South Dakota for a period of years, but I can see the cost of it pretty clearly as well. So, for me, there is a question on whether or not I should try for a hybrid solution.  Well, I am obviously not going to decide here and now, but I do think I will lay the conversation out here, since the whole process of writing lets me work my way through things.



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