Friday, May 3, 2013

One Hundred Things

Transformation and change carry their own set of challenges. Whenever I find myself in a period of transformation and change, I find there are things that I struggle with.  That is not a bad thing - there are things we are supposed to struggle with as we go through life. I'd go so far as to say that who we are is defined in some of those struggles.  With that said I find myself redefining as I near fifty three.

It's been a year so far. One of the main relationships in my life transformed, or rather completed a transformation, at the beginning of the year. It happened to coincide with the high chaos at work, but that might have been a good thing. The demands of work were a distraction, a trivial little game that I played to the hilt in order not to be overwhelmed by a sense of loss.

T.R. has slipped, gracefully, out of my daily life, as she had slipped gracefully in. We played at the game of separation for the better part of two years, that dance of together and away and together and away.  Just writing that becomes one of those things, one of those things that I count among the hundred things.

At her request, for all the years we were together, I only wrote of her obliquely. She did not want her life exposed to the world, even in a venue as small as my little corner of the internet and that was okay with me, I understood it very well, seeing that at times I can be obsessively private.  She is a creature of beauty and grace, an adornment in this world. Wherever her journey takes her I wish her all the best.

The arc of our relationship crossed what was, for me, a rich and fulfilling time. I have wondered a hundred times at where we slipped apart,  I have my own observations, my own theories, as I am sure she has her's.

One of the journeys I went on with her was the journey into minimalism, the journey into zen. It was partly that journey that led me to love her with open hands. Whenever I felt myself grabbing, grasping, holding - I simply took a deep breath and opened my hands.

 I've often quoted John-Rogers - we should allow other people the dignity of their journey.  That is a pretty powerful statement. That is not an easy thing. But, within me, there is something that influences that, well more than one something.  There are a hundred things.  First is my abiding faith in God.  Second is my belief in the great mystery of life.  I don't think we are here to understand life.  I think we are here to experience it, to live it, to see all the facets of the beautiful gem.

T.R., wherever you are, I am certain you are embracing life, like you always have.  For the hundred things you taught me, I am forever grateful. When I look around me and I see the hundred things in my physical world you influenced, I am happy. When I go through the day and I practice or experience the hundred things we shared, I am happy. As the Teacher says - may all beings find happiness and be free from suffering.

And at the end of the day, I still love with those same open hands. I am still me, inside all the facets, among the one hundred things.

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