Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Slippery

I’ve got a fairly light schedule again today here at the office, so I am looking forward to a productive day.  I am still working my way through my backlog of smaller tasks and I am anticipating making some more headway today.  I am probably going to drop down off of IM and email so I can work undisturbed for periods of time. It’s hard to say what kind of mood I am in today.  I definitely had a moody weekend and that moodiness is lingering just under the surface. I’ll try not to succumb to it as I go through the day.
One of the interesting things I’ve observed in the first part of the year is, for a wide variety of reasons, I was holding on very tightly last year. This year has been more of an exercise in letting go, metaphorically. I’ve caught myself, a couple of times, walking down the hallway with my hands clenched tightly into fists, entirely subconsciously.  When I would do that, I would carefully release my hands, but I am not sure I’ve managed to get to the root cause of it.  Though, in part, it has been because I’ve been avoiding doing some hard inner work.
I need a day or a weekend pair of days to sit and stare at the wall, to do some meditation and self-examination. I can see where I want to be, but I cannot seem to move there.  I am encountering good old resistance.  In this case, it is not taking the form of direct resistance, but it is taking the form of slipperiness. (I am actually surprised slipperiness is a real word). I keep finding ways to slide away from the goal. I approach it and then just slip to the side.  It is kind of interesting to watch actually. It is like my psyche knows that if it were to throw up some direct resistance I could quickly overcome it, but as long as it dodges, slips aside, I am not quite at the point where I am willing to pursue it into the corners.  The monkey mind is pretty tricky.

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