I woke up this morning, took a shower, and then sat for my morning meditation. I need to engage in a disciplined search for my self. It seems like a strange thing to say, since wherever we go we’re always present. But we are present with a lot of clutter. That clutter obscures our self. I feel pretty obscure this morning. Through out my meditation my thoughts kept arising, but they were distracting thoughts. That pattern continued, though lessened, into the morning commute and actually into the office. As my computer ran it’s usual routine of morning updates, I sat, facing the wall, and meditated again, for about five minutes.
I returned fairly quickly to the realization that I need to dedicate some disciplined time to two activities. First, clearing away the clutter that overwhelms me. Second, finding and returning to my authentic self. (As an aside, I’ve been reading a book called “Inspiration from Enlightened Nuns”, and I think that is what triggered this sincere sense that my authentic self has been obscured - I would highly recommend the book. It was recommended to me by TR.)
This search for the authentic self also has a work component. Here at the office I’ve lost myself in the clutter of the day. It does not help that we are in an extremely cluttered time, but I have been through cluttered times before. I can define the challenges that obscure my work pretty clearly. As I become aware of them I am able to move around them, through them, or to ignore them. Part of the challenge though is that I do not seem to be able to resolve them. They keep intruding. They keep interrupting. If they catch me in a weak moment, and they often do, then they can throw me off track. Once I have been thrown off track I struggle to get back. Sometimes I am not able to win that struggle and the best I can do is make it through to the end of the day and go home. Even the sanctuary of going home doesn’t always help. I carry the chaos of the working day inside of me. It easily makes the commute home.
I find myself searching for an external solution to an internal problem. I keep looking outward when the solution lies inward. I know this on an intellectual level, but I don’t seem to be able to pull it into that holistic place where it needs to reside. I am closer to it then I was six months ago. Closer to it then I was a year ago. But there is still a gulf between my experience of every day life and my interpretation of that experience. A difference between the actual and the imagined.